Visitors and handling loved ones

Oh dear, @gastrogirl, this situation sounds so stressful for you and I truly hope you can just put your foot down and say no. Being compromised yourself, you’re under no obligation to have him or anyone in your home.

You mentioned he can’t do anything for himself. So if something happens to you, if you became ill, then what would he do, where would he be? With Covid, Influenza and RSV on the rise right now, having someone visiting who isn’t cautious would open you up to exposure and be potentially catastrophic for him and yourself. Taking care of yourself is taking care of both of you.

Who’s caring for your dad now?

Him being my dad, it is hard to say, well you are too much to have around, or to say, well you are not clean enough. He has a home health nurse daily and a housekeeper. He has very little control of bladder or bowels and is in need of insulin shots daily that he can not give to himself. He just had a fall trying to get out of his lift chair.
How he can travel is beyond me. He does not wash himself and I never seen him wash his hands or wear a mask.
He can not even pour a drink. He knows how ill I am. How he thinks I can handle him or do anything of him is beyond me. My fear is him here and me feeling bad. I have days I can not get out of bed. He could never make it back if he did get here. I think that is his end goal, thinking he can stay with me. I can not allow this to happen.
I just do not know how anyone with our health issues says NO to loved ones and I am sure some of us pay the price for doing so. Helps to know how others handle it.

I agree, it’s incredibly difficult to say no to a loved one who wants to be with us. I was in your position for a while when I was recovering from a transplant. Friends wanted to visit, extended family from another state wanted to come and help out. It was not something that could happen. I missed weddings, funerals and family gatherings. I was seriously immuno compromised and couldn’t even hug anyone for months. Most everyone understood but there were a few who felt my husband and I were being unreasonable and sadly, some friendships were lost. It was the price I (we) had to pay to keep me safe and healthy after what we went through for over a year.

I know you love your father and no doubt, miss him. But his pending visit, and possible end game of living with you permanently is obviously causing you some serious stress. Your own health is fragile right now to the point where you said any drama sends you to the ER. So having someone else in your home, whom you’re going to be responsible for tending really isn’t going to work. Just thinking about the possibility of this lengthy visit is causing you undue tension.

You can see your dad’s health is failing and he’s probably recognizing that too. That’s maybe why he’s thinking about what his next step will be…such as moving in with you. Well, that’s not practical for you. Have either one of you considered assisted living for your dad? Is there any facility near you where that might be an option?
Do you have any other family members you can bounce this idea around with or can you talk to your dad about the idea? He’d be closer but not living with you. What do you think?

@gastrogirl, hi. I can relate! I have renal disease, gastroparesis, arthritis, fibromyalgia, COPD, heart failure, diabetes, etc! When I was on dialysis I had to post a sign on my apartment door requiring anyone who entered to wear a mask and I explained to my children and grandchildren. But one of my children has addiction issues and refused to mask so I had to keep my door locked and not let him in when he came over. Then, when I was diagnosed with gastroparesis, I was so ill I contacted a couple of family members to explain I was too ill for company even if it was a beloved adult grandchild and the two family members let everyone know. Although I am a little better these days I still refuse to be around my adult child who still is addicted. This doesn't mean I don't love him, it means I finally realized I have the right to protect my own health and the right to say No. It was a very painful process and it still makes me sad but I know it's necessary.

Is there anyone you can contact who might be able to help you stop your father from coming to stay with you? A social worker? The police? Senior services? A pastor or religious leader? Your doctor? His doctor? Even if your father isn't being abused by his caretakers you still could call the elder abuse hotline to see if there's someone "in the system" who might be able to help you.

You didn't say how your father is traveling to see you but he shouldn't even attempt going on a trip by himself, let alone drive.

I hope you can find some help in talking him out of coming. But as harsh as this sounds, you do have the right to refuse to unlock your door to let him into your home after you have already said No.

Hi gastro girl!

Hoping you feel a little less beat down today. I know that feeling, too.
I'm tentatively offering this advice. I'm not medical or mental health pro, but I have had a lot of good help from a therapist. The rest of this post may sound kind of bossy, but I couldn't think of another way to phrase stuff.

Try to "reframe" the situation in its most rational, objective terms.
Try to think about what you would say to a friend who is in your situation. You probably would say to your friend something like, "There's no way his visit is a good idea. You have to say 'no' to him." This is "rational thinking" about your situation. And it takes your own needs out of the picture, so you can't beat yourself up about being "selfish." That's "emotional thinking." You're not being selfish; you're being rational and objective.

You may be letting your "emotional thinking" cloud the rational, obvious fact: It's a really, really bad idea for your dad to stay with you. It's bad for him and it's bad for you. It's potentially a disaster waiting to happen. The emotional side is that we're talking about your father. No one wants to "neglect" their parent. BUT, if you "let" him visit you, then there is a significant risk to his health in your home. That's worse than the "neglect."

Try to take the "emotional thinking" out of your equation. You are not selfish. You are not neglectful. Try to focus on the rational objective facts of the situation. Try to focus on the danger to him, not its effects on you. Given your dad's many, many health needs, it is potentially dangerous to your father to make this visit. Then, when you add in your own health situation, the potential for danger is even greater!

You are being a GOOD daughter when you tell your father that it is not safe for him to travel or to visit you. He obviously is not thinking clearly about the situation. He is letting his emotional thinking and his emotional needs override the obvious. Maybe he just can't face the facts that he is old and sick and that his daughter is sick. And, since he can't do anything about either of those facts, he ignores them.

Maybe the parent-child roles have been reversed, and now you have to be the more grown-up person and firmly say "no," even if your dad gets petulant, angry, or childlike about it. Keep your focus on the danger to him, as a strategy to deal with your own emotional thinking (selfish,neglectful) about the situation.

Remember that focusing on the danger to him and not considering yourself is a only a temporary thought strategy to help you to deal with a current problem. You do have the right to protect your health. Really, you have a duty to protect your health, for your loved ones and for yourself.

I really hope this helps you to gather up your strength, to say "no," and to mean the "no," and to have a clear conscience about it, and to not feel guilty about it at any later time, and to not let anyone else make you feel bad about your decision at any time.

If this has helped you, then we owe it to my mental health therapist, not to me! My therapist has really helped me a lot since I became disabled. You may want to find one, too.

Wishing you a happy holiday!

Gastro girl, hello. We have heard some good suggestions to help you deal with your Dad. Maybe you could appeal to your Dad’s rational sense. Maybe he actually has one but refuses to use it. If it were me I would push things a bit graphically. For example posing the question « Dad let’s get real here. How do you expect to change your own diaper and clean yourself? Surly you don’t expect me to do it! I am your daughter not a nursing specialist or help worker. Although I love you there is a limit to what I am able or willing to do for you. That is the reality of our situation. You wouldn’t have the help you need here unless you could hire the help that you need while visiting. » Girl, sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.

Just say NO! You can't take care of yourself let alone have him to care for! Your still a good person but you are physically unable to care for him.