Loss of husband: I'm only existing, how do I live again?

Please try not to feel alone! There are thousands like us out there. It’s a mater of finding what works for you. Joining a group like this one is a great step to take!
I fortunately live in the country and can enjoy nature. Feeding and watching birds is a bright spot in my day.
Maybe you can try to incorporate what you enjoyed with your husband, if you can’t do it physically, maybe you can find it on the internet or tv. There is so many choices.
There are so many things I do to keep my Rich with me. It helps to have a pix of him where I have morning coffee. It helps writing to him.
I hope you can see the beauty of a sunrise every day.

Thank you for your good thoughts. That, alone, makes me feel better. I do have a wonderful photograph of him on a table in my dining area. Depending on my mood, it either makes me happy or extremely sad. It is interesting that your husband's name is Rich. My husband was also Richard. Unfortunately I am not a joiner. I have always felt awkward in a group and never welcome. This has happened too many times so I no longer try. I am in therapy. Perhaps, in time, I may start to feel like a person.

One small ray of joy - yesterday I found out my niece got engaged. No details yet. This will be my second Thanksgiving alone. My son could have invited me but he chose not to do so. I do not celebrate Christmas so that is not an issue. However being alone on New Year's Eve is hard.

Just my comment: After 5 months of my Husband passing, I am having a rough day. It's a beautiful Spring day and I am sitting outside. There's a parade in our little town today, Paradise, CA. Also a pancake breakfast, craft fair and a big dinner last night. I think this is why I am feeling especially alone. Also, I am getting a TKR in 3 days, so I am not up for walking around much. I am certainly not always alone. My children are coming often to help me with all kinds if things. However, I am sad off and on today and am crying a lot, especially going into the garage/man cave that is filled with my Husband's things. This is the place I have learned is most heart-wrenching for me. Today I have been lowest of low, missing My Marty. I did feel everything. I didn't stop it by eating chocolate or calling one of my many people. I made some tea, took it outdoors with my phone, a book I want to start, my binoculars to watch a ravens' nest that is very active high up above me and I am getting through this dark time and I actually controlled it. I have soft music coming out from the inside speakers. Also, I am expressing my feelings to others here that are going through the same kind of days.

I believe you have to go through many feelings—anger, disbelief, sadness, and many other feelings, on the way to —-acceptance. I sat in a chair for almost two years while mourning my husband’s death. I finally got up and started doing things. My reality hasn’t changed, but my reaction to it has. It’s a process.

Good morning, Barbara
By just reading your own description of how you dealt with losing your Husband, I wanted to send you a kind and caring word. Mourning heavily for 2 years 😢 💔 is like a badge of courage in itself. All I can do is send a hug, a loving prayer for you to have some relief from this sadness and some family and friends to lighten your load. No one ever prepared me for my feelings. I am up and down and around each day for the past 5 months. I am grateful for the 33 years I had with my Husband. I wonder how you lead your life now after 2 years of losing your person?

I love reading comments of how people cope moment by moment, what brings joy to them. This personal connection into others' thoughts is inspiring and I cannot help but incorporate some beautiful ideas into my life. Being open to change and expanding our daily lives brings meaning to shattered lives again. Yes, definitely, my life was shattered when the reality set in that my love and partner had passed.

Your thoughts are similar to mine.
It is two years for me since my husband passed. I have my ups and downs
It is somewhat helpful to remind myself, my mother, grandmother, and all married women face this same problem.
We all do the best we can.

Hello Deb, I see you wrote this exactly one year ago. The part of your note that caught my attention was that you had a one year memorial for your Husband. It's been 5 months since my Husband passed and I haven't had a ceremony of any kind yet. It's a long story, but I put it off because we both had Covid at his ending. Then my mobility came into the picture, I am having knee replaced in 2 days. Now I want to heal from that and plan a Memorial for my Husband. I feel this responsibility over my head. I will honor my Husband, but now it is still a few months off. I feel like I am failing him.

Dear Maggiegirl123,
Thank you for reaching out to me. Please do not feel like you are failing your husband. Everyone has a different situation. I had to coordinate the schedule around Covid restrictions, five adult kids and their working schedules, a grandson in school, our daughter's cancer treatment, and everyone else living out of state.

You are honoring your husband every time you share a memory of your husband with someone, help another person who is grieving, and remember the good times with family. For the second-year anniversary, our youngest daughter (the only one who lives near me) went with me to the movies to see Avatar; one of my husband's favorite movies. It felt so good and an appropriate way to honor him.

Everyone's situation is different. We actually had to reschedule the spreading of ashes out at sea a day after the second anniversary because of rough seas. It was still emotional a year later, but I felt stronger emotionally and ready to take that step. Do what's right for you and when you are able.

Give yourself grace and time. Also, I hope that your knee surgery is a success.