Good morning. I am hanging in there. Last time I wrote I was really upset. My doctor and I went back to the drawing board.
I feel better. No ECT. Staying with Spravato--almost 0 suicidal thoughts and an increase in Desipramine seems to be a good combo. I laughed the other day. Actually snorted...lol
One among many problems is that while I communicate with my doctors and therapists, I'm in a safe environment.
Going out into the world is scarey. Especially when I've been filled with angst, dread, analysis paralysis so forth, my social skills have become rusty. Particularly with social media.
What really concerns me is face to face communication. Let's face it, for years I've had conversations in a clinical setting and with established, reciprocal friendships.

I'm concerned about making new friends. I am more guarded and protective of myself.
I'm a paradox: I'm a wanna be assertive, extroverted person. In reality, my doctor describes me as an introverted extrovert. I think that makes sense. Years ago, I was misdiagnosed with a bi-polar disorder, and then having a borderline personality disorder. As we plodded along, my doctor sorted out the niche-diagnosed boxes. He explained about people possessing traits, but not necessarily the "code" from the DSM ♾️.
So, as it stands, I have the codes assigned to me for •major depressive disorder/exacerbated by treatment resistant depression
•ADHD--ADD traits
•PTSD-- which some docs wanted to attach BPD--some traits
•Generalized anxiety.
In the past, one doc wanted to place me on the Autism Spectrum...traits.
Finally, a general practitioner told me I was schizophrenic. I was reevaluated at Duke. No!
When I gave the pcp my report of my evaluation, his response: " I was only kidding."

Bottom line! As I enter into my "new world" I feel archaic. I don't want to play the victim card or the age card. Unfortunately, I am experiencing unanticipated consequences of interacting in "life."
Once again, the troll/ shrew ( figuratively speaking) invaded a private discussion on Facebook. I had been advised, by law enforcement, to block them. She used an alias. I blocked her. I don't want to become paranoid--traits.

Another lady joined our group. With 2 meetings under her belt, she seemed to be enthusiastic and supportive of our projects.
One on one was another story. It was sincerely difficult for me to hear how much she loved me--platonically--and would protect me.
I called her bluff, I guess. I thought she was being sincere. At a meeting, we mentioned the death of Queen Elizabeth. I used that as a segue to introduce her as a changing of the guard. She was going to take the stressful weight off my shoulders and help bring a project to a successful conclusion.
She accused me of throwing her under the bus. She had forgotten that two hours earlier, she wanted to moderate/lead the meeting.
Bottom line: She professes to being an alcoholic.
I am the Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

She loves me because we're both Pisces. I thought if I wrote to her, I could breech the crevice that is growing. The following is the letter I wrote. I doubt I'll send it.

Anyway, I would like advice on how to slowly acclimate into the world of humanity. The following is my draft. It will most likely remain in my journal. I'm not sure what I want to accomplish...
Here goes

Good morning. I realize you're in tune to astrology. I needed a refresher course.
I believe in possibilities.
Positivity leads to possibilities. I keep the pathways open. However, as I progress in life, I can get intimidated. If I feel uneasy or feel a threat of attack is coming on, I become defensive.
If I feel ignored, I put on my armor for strength so I can be resilient.
I am much more guarded then, Say 30 years ago.
I have an inclination to delete this. I'm going to trust you that we talk and do not nurture gossip.
You are a very strong, enthusiastic woman...my impression. Perspective is relative.
Advice given to me recently by a very wise woman: " Be brave. Put on my big girl panties. If a person has concerns or comments about me? Open my heart to listen to that specific person."

Years ago I learned the following: Gossip can be spread like the feathers from a slit pillow, feathers cast into the wind. No matter how one works at it, the feathers cannot be retrieved to become a whole and functional pillow again.
When a person wants or needs to talk to me, whether she was my mother, is a friend, or a fellow human being, I ask that the person talk to me...face to face...so nothing is lost in translation.
I don't appreciate hearing so & so's perception or problems of me from another's mouth.

Pisces Personality Traits: All the secrets you need to know - Times of India
https://m.timesofindia.com/astrology/zodiacs-astrology/pisces-personality-traits-all-the-secrets-you-need-to-know/amp_articleshow/84376664.cms
Back to Mayo Anxiety & Depression. I thought I could relate to her through astrology as a way to cut through the ice.

On the other hand, I'm opened minded that others believe in it. I don't sincerely buy into it. I don't want to be a hypocrit.

I'm writing to Mayo because I know I will receive feedback from the staff.
I want to be brave and hear feedback from those who have walked a mile in my shoes.
Right now, my meds are in balance & therapeutic.
I would like to address the other components of Body, Mind, Spirit.
Thank you for offering this resource. It's the closest thing available to group therapy.
Honestly, if I might disagree with what I read or not want to be wrong: help guide me. I'm not always right. I like feedback and sometimes it takes me longer to process it.

Thanks for allowing me to share.