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Family Relations: How do I accept and adjust to family moving away?
Aging Well | Last Active: Sep 22, 2022 | Replies (42)Comment receiving replies
It is painful. Your kindness comes through in your responses. You are a wonderful person and would be a wonderful friend to have, I am sure. I have gone through major loss in the past year and reading a book Unattended Sorrow by Stephen Levine has helped me deal with the losses and subsequent grief. The book isn't for everyone, but I have re-read it, I think it was that helpful to get an honest assessment. I solely helped my parents and friends who I have lost through their final stages of illness. My siblings never helped, and they do not show or have any remorse for being selfish. It is an acceptable way to live, I guess. But I know I did the right thing for me as I would have felt guilt and remorse. Ask your son if they can wait to make this major move? What can it hurt?
Replies to "It is painful. Your kindness comes through in your responses. You are a wonderful person and..."
Linda, my situation is similar to yours in that I was the only family member helping elderly parents during the tough times when the selfish ones refused to help and during my father's end stage heart disease. I helped even when I was physically ailing myself in need of surgery and I know I did the right thing, so I have no regrets. My parents always thought they could do anything even when they could not, and they didn't accept their limitations. Rather than let them fail, I stepped in to fill the needs that allowed them to remain living in their home. Their doctors recommended assisted living, but they refused. They had promised each other never to put the other in a nursing home, so that put the burden on me. My mom never thanked me, but my dad did and he saw how much pain I was in while taking care of him because I needed spine surgery which I had 3 months after he died. I was doing the things for him that would have be done in a nursing home.
Norma, I think your son is caught in the middle between wanting to be there for you and his wife's expectations, and that must be difficult for him. My husband missed me when I was hardly at home taking care of my parents for 2 years who lived 25 miles from me. We have a wonderful marriage, and he supported my decision to help, and he was also frustrated by my siblings who just took advantage of the situation and let me do all the hard work. I wish my mom was like you. Hold onto your close relationship with your son. If his life changes and does not go as planned, you will still have each other.
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I will definitely read Mr. Levines book as I read a lot and have recently ventured into Buddhist offerings but have only skimmed the surface, though certainly of interest. One said the three most dangerous things are anger, ignorance and attachments (defined as emotions that leave us hungry and wanting). But it 's difficult not to feel attachments to your children.
It's so helpful to have suggestions that help see the situation in broader terms - that it's not just my children but also the culture that influences many.
Again, thank you again for very helpful thoughts. I'm sorry for your loss and thankful you found help to see you through a difficult time.