Hello to you all that are sharing your feelings about how you're dealing or not dealing with being 'alone'. I've found so much 'sympatico' with my own feelings in just these brief days...after these posts have started. So much similarity in how we cope with our lives now...or at least are attempting to.
I thought it was just my lazy ass that couldn't get off the couch and out the door...nothing stopping me...all the time in the world now...remember how 'free' we are?! But within that freedom lies the 'dichotomy'.....we're not 'free' in our hearts and minds...yet....sure, we have all the choices of what to eat or where....what social things we (think) we would like to join..or not...that always takes up a great deal of the day..ahh..the contemplation of it all....quite tiresome..but oh look..time to eat again....and tick tock another day goes by....and in that day, was there any heart, mind healing?..or just avoidance of the reality of our lives now. After the replies and seeing myself in all of the complaints as well as the gratitude felt....I see that what's just started here is essential for all of us to be able to share and feel the pain of others in order to allow ourselves to forgive ourselves for feeling disappointed in how we've become 'stuck' in the situation we find ourselves in...and not alone by any means! Oh thank God....my feelings and self-doubt are not owned by me alone. There is hope! Whatever our individual stories are about how we got here..to be and feel alone in the world...here we are...
Hopefully...with the help of others in this group..sharing our losses as well as our gains..will be ever so beneficial to us all that are struggling daily just to get through the day.
I'm living in my memory cocoon....32 years together here...47 all together. I live in a 1972 (totally redone and now HOBOish) mobile home on 9 forested acres in Southern Oregon. Yes..I'm an 'older' hippy I guess....no 'tats' but still enjoy my weed. My husband and I were known as "frick and frack"..we were inseparable...and another reason why I'm so alone now that he's gone..well that and the fact that all our friends we had through the years are all dead now as well. I'm the last one standing! I'll be 78 in October and aside from my bones not holding up their end of the deal with me..I'm in great shape! I was my husbands only caregiver for the last 15 years of his life..and then he was on house hospice for the last 18 months. He passed from Parkinson's with Lewy body dementia, horrible way to end up..he was a brilliant man..and one that I want to remember as my 'hero' and best friend and not how he sadly ended.
Our 47 year old son..a real sweet wonderful man died 5 years ago....my heart was broken then..torn in two...and then to also lose my husband a couple of years later really danced on my bones.....
So...that's about it...I can either choose to just exist now or start a new life. I tried selling my place this last year, but just couldn't find anything even close to the paradise in nature that I have now...thought about Maui..but that's out of my financial reach...thought about the Oregon coast...but I haven't taken the 3 hour drive there in the past 32 years so maybe that's not calling my name either. I started to fix up my place..slowly, to make it more my own taste..got rid of everything 'medical'...got a kitty and am starting over..each day..trying to see the positive instead of the pain that's right behind me..trying to catch me and bring me down. My sister (older) wants me to seek out grief counseling...or "just get over it"....yeah right...not happening now...I can't do telemed or zoom...most Dr's don't take medicare..and I can't afford to pay for this....BUT gee....here we all are..in a meeting of like mind, interests and pain..and getting the therapy we need from those that are also going through a lot that can totally relate. How fortunate for us all! My 'mantra' for today is:
I will use this day wisely...I will replace a sad memory with a happy one if my mind start to wander off into the abyss of sadness. I will be mindful and grateful for all I do have. Freedom is a treasured gift...not a harness. I hope you all have a better day than yesterdays was! Bless you all....