Death is messy and you should always remember that things went just as they should have ( because that’s the way things went -, there is no other way ). Shoulda, woulda, coulda. They are such a trapping. Acceptance & grace are a much more forgiving way - and forgiveness ( of the situation you were in and the choices you made ) makes air lighter, days brighter… you can feel the healing. When my husband passed at home ( cancer ) two of my sons joined me as we held hands with him saying a prayer - my daughter, who I had called saying it felt soon, rushed in just moments too late. Who had it the right way? It was all the way it was supposed to be as that is the way it happened. Everyone had to work thru either what they witnessed or what they failed to be present for - and that forgiving grace came …with time. I wish you well. I remind myself to try to enjoy my days as a way to honor his passing. You had to leave ( I tell him) but I am here and will honor my days as a gift to you as I know that’s what would bring you peace and joy on the other side. And slowly ( it’s been 6 years) I found that I was starting to “ live again” more fully, as a gift to myself as well.