@marjou
I can relate to what you've shared. As I look back I realize that I have have ebbs and flows of mood throughout my life. I now recognize that I had my first major depressive episode in my early twenties. That was a long time ago and I had few coping skills and no idea how to get help. And I felt a lot of shame for how I felt. Like you, I hid my feelings from all but my family. When I started my career I was so afraid that co-workers and others would find out that I hid how I felt because I thought too much about what other people thought of me and that got in the way of me. Does this make sense to you?

Hiding how you feel brings even more sad mood, anxiety, and more and more shame. Once I shared (selectively) I felt somewhat better. I opened up with close friends and since then I've discovered that many, many people share what I feel. When I learned coping skills in cognitive-behavioral therapy and learned to accept how I feel and practicing self-compassion a I began to function better and feel less depressed. No, my depression did not completely resolve but it got better day by day. When I have those low periods - and they do come - with experience I learned I can take of myself better. I use a combination of anti-depressant medication and therapy.

Who can you talk to so you can decrease the isolation and secrets you hold about yourself? Do you have a therapist? A family member? Are you interested in talking with your family doctor about a trial of medication?