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How can I help my husband face the possibility he may not survive?
Pancreatic Cancer | Last Active: Sep 22, 2022 | Replies (42)Comment receiving replies
Thank you for your kind words. We’ve been married 26 years. We don’t have children together, but I have three grown children. My husband is 72 and I am 68, both retired.
We came to Mayo in May for second opinions and consultations. Our oncologist at home seems competent and has said he is willing to consult with the surgeon at Mayo if we get to that point. If surgery becomes an option, he will have it at Mayo.
We are open to suggestions for alternative therapies, etc., but the oncologist here admits he only knows about chemo, but has no problem with us looking into a more integrative approach.
I just think that given all my husband has been through already and his greatly deteriorated general health, we need to prepare ourselves for whatever the outcome may be.
Ironically, a childhood friend of mines passed away from pancreatic cancer a few weeks ago. She fought it for two and a half years. I know she made the most of the time she had, but she also suffered greatly. Still, she had a strong religious faith that enabled her to face her mortality with grace and courage. My husband is a scientist and not at all religious, so I worry that he will have a hard time accepting anything less than a cure.
Replies to "Thank you for your kind words. We’ve been married 26 years. We don’t have children together,..."
My husband also has pancreatic cancer. It’s in his lymph nodes also and was told at the Mayo that there will be no surgery. MAYBE he would qualify for a study. He still thinks he can have surgery. I say nothing. But he is losing weight and not eating protein. I’ve decided to let him lead the way. No more begging him to eat. He won’t use the oxygen. He won’t use the walker. So be it.
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@sw54 You've had many years together and I'm thinking both of you are grateful for how your marriage has endured. I'm 70-years-old and like you have lost childhood friends in recent years. I know personally that there is so much loss in our age group but that makes it no less sad. As you grieve the loss of your childhood friend you are now faced with wondering how much time you will have with your dear husband. While it is admirable to put one foot in front of the other because it's what we all must do are you allowing yourself the space you need for your emotional needs?
Your husband is a scientist and so undoubtedly a rationalist. I had a conversation with someone last year who has a strong religious faith and she *knew* that treatment of a new lung cancer tumor (she had others in the past) would work out well for her. I recall thinking - how can you know that? I realized that no matter the outcome she knew because of her faith. This is how she faced her own mortality.
My partner is a retired physician (pathologist) and many of our life discussions come down to rationalist terms. My endometrial cancer was staged 1a in 2019 and when I worried aloud about a recurrence or new primary cancer he told me to stop worrying as my cancer was "cured". This is what he had seen in his practice and how he thinks. But he was incorrect. I had a recurrence in late 2021. And so each day I "look in my rear view mirror" wondering what might be next.
From what you've written I can see that this is so painful for you. I wonder if you can lead your husband to face his own mortality by your example. I know that my partner and I do not share a similar spirituality. I still talk to him about my values and my beliefs and I listen to him.
I'll add a suggestion for additional medical care. Mayo Clinic has an Integrative Medicine Dept. I have an appointment there at the end of August and I needed a referral from my oncologist for that appointment. Would your husband be interested in this? Alternative and complementary medicine approaches are evidence-based and at Mayo are meant to accompany whatever other treatments a cancer patient is receiving. What do you think about this idea?