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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
Loss & Grief | Last Active: Apr 7 12:18pm | Replies (932)Comment receiving replies
Oh Marilyn- I am so sorry for your loss but also commend you on what sounds like a lovely 59 years of marriage. There are no words I can tell you that would ease such a loss - as you said, it’s not been a year yet …. And the first year seems to always be simply a blur of loss, change & confusion. It shows that whether 32 years of marriage like I had or 59 years like you had … it is hard to fill the hole their leaving our lives creates. I try to focus on what I can be grateful for TODAY, I try to get out in nature whenever possible ( even just sitting on a patio counts ), I try to help others as this takes the focus off of my loss and is so healing, I try to zoom out and gain perspective- we are all guaranteed only one thing after birth, and that’s death ( everything else is up for grabs) - yet we are overcome when faced with such a loss ( or at least I was ). Acceptance of the present moment is the key as the past is no longer here - there is no guarantee Of tomorrow- but we do have today. A day which can be joyful or a day that presents us with things to learn and grow from. How amazing Marilyn that you stated how you are hoping to prepare for your own death. How wise ( and challenging) to be doing such a thing. We all need do that - even though it comes without a guide book. How do you prepare? Maybe write letters to loved ones. Maybe have lunch with a friend who is sad. Maybe just surviving the grocery store is enough preparation for the day. And as it’s hard to prepare anything, let alone for one’s own passing - so remember- you have time, don’t force anything. And the anger and guilt? For me the anger and guilt lessened with time - not that it doesn’t flair up. But I slowly realized that such feelings could change nothing but the quality of my day today.I was letting something I couldn’t change ( the past) effect what is TODAY! I know, Easier said than done to get past it all - but time really does help. Wishing you well. And happy anniversary at the end of the month - he may be on the other side but his love is still here within you … hope you go out with a friend for a nice dinner and reminisce on the good times of the past 60 years.
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Thank you for your words of comfort. However, it seems that everything is going wrong. Yesterday my cleaning person called. She is very ill and does not know when (or if) she will be returning. It is hard for me to clean because I am not yet fully recovered from my hip replacement and I am too darn old. I will do a bit of freshening up during the next few days but it's not the same as cleaning. Also the man who said he would come once a month to do the yard didn't show up. I am beginning to feel that I am being punished for something. As for preparation for death, that was easy. We both made plans years ago with The Neptune Society. So it was in place long before either of us thought of death. I think it may have been easier for me because of the many years I worked for a probate and trust attorney and saw the results of what happens when people fail to do this. Many are superstitious and are afraid. Too bad. Buying a cemetery lot or making plans for cremation doesn't lead to death the next day. Actually that is selfish. If you delay look at the burden you place on your heirs. What I am doing now is gathering information on assisted living options as I am completely alone. This I find extremely difficult because of so many unknowns. You cannot know if you will become disabled. You cannot know if or when. You cannot know what form this will take. Will it be dementia or mobility? Next month I will tour a facility that was recommended. I am going to talk to various professionals who do this. I will leave the information with my trust documents and my trustee will have to make that decision. I believe I will have done all I can.
And I am angry with what is happening in the world. We are literally burning up and the people who can start to effect a change are sitting back and doing nothing. I have seen a lot of changes in my 87 years; some good and some bad. In the last four to five years they have been mostly bad. I wonder what is going to happen to my grandchildren. Too much time to think. Now I must try to start on a little housework and then rest.