It’s run havoc in my life for nearly 20 years and in that time I’ve known maybe a handful of success stories. Meth is such a strong addiction, even fighting for my life with stage 3 cancer wasn’t enough to break the cycle. Unfortunately. I am going to rehab for the first time in 3 days and I’m optimistic about my chances once I have the tools that rehab provides.

Here’s a quick story about my journey and how it’s led me to the doorsteps of my treatment facility:

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Meth and I have been together for as long as I can remember, despite my best efforts to stop. After years of trying to break up, I’ve decided this time it really is over. There have been several attempts to escape our toxic relationship, but the symptoms of separation anxiety, depression, and fear often seduce me back into the relationship. The more time that passes, the more dependent I become. And even when we’re apart, meth always seems to be on my mind. When I’m not using, my mind becomes filled with anxiety or panic from a deep sense of loss. Depression takes root and suicidal thoughts get closer and closer to tomorrow. I can no longer feel what normal feels like, and my soul becomes void of all happiness. Every breath that I take becomes heavier from the tension in the air and any beauty that I would normally appreciate vanishes.

Each trigger has its hands on the clock. As time ticks by and each minute passes, the clock gets louder. When a single hour turns into two hours turns into three hours turns into four hours, Ill finally snap. I’ll pick up the phone and place my order. No matter what happens next, meth will save me.

Meth will save me. That’s what I tell myself every time I pick up the phone to place an order. No matter what the consequences, no matter how much pain it causes me, meth will save me.

I know I’m in a bad place when I start thinking like this. I know that using meth is only going to make my life harder in the future. But in the moment, in the throes of my addiction, I can’t see anything beyond getting high.

I can’t see how using meth is destroying my life. I can’t see how it’s ruining my health. I can’t see how it’s driving a wedge between me and my friends and family. All I see is the immediate relief that meth provides.

I know I shouldn’t be doing this. I know that meth is only going to make things worse in the long run. But in the moment, I can’t see anything beyond getting high.

Meth will save me.

At least, that’s what I tell myself. But in my heart, I know that meth is only going to make things worse. I know that it’s tearing my life apart. I know that it’s going to ruin my health. I know that it’s going to make my cancer come back.

I also know that meth is the only thing that makes me feel alive. It’s the only thing that makes me feel like I’m in control. It’s the only thing that makes me feel like I’m worth something.

Without meth, I’m nothing. I’m a worthless 41 year old addict who can’t even get his life together enough to keep using.

But with meth, I’m somebody. I’m somebody who can get things done. I’m somebody who can feel good. I’m that mathematician again who used to make things happen.

I know that meth is destroying my life. I know that it’s going to kill me eventually. But in the moment, in the throes of my addiction, I can’t see anything beyond getting high

Meth will save me.

Or at least, that’s what I tell myself. I tell myself that meth is the only thing that can help me, that it’s the only thing that can make me feel better. I tell myself that without meth, I’m nothing.

But I know that’s not true. I know that meth is only making things worse. I know that it’s tearing my life apart.

I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep using meth and pretending like it’s not tearing my life apart. I know that it is. I can see the destruction it’s causing. I can see how it’s ruining my health. I can see how it’s making me into someone I’m not.

I’m finally ready to face my fears and quit using meth for good. I know it won’t be easy, I understand the challenge ahead. Meth addiction can be a difficult to overcome with multiple mental illnesses and layers upon layers of complex PTSD. But I’m determined to make a fresh start. I’ll be going to rehab next Tuesday, followed with counseling and attending support groups to help me stay on track. I’m also going to make sure I have a strong support system of friends and family who will be there for me when I need them. With their help, I know I can overcome this addiction and finally live a happy, healthy life.

I’m grateful to have finally realized that meth is destroying my life. It’s not easy to face my fears and admit that I need help, but I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get clean. I know I can’t do it alone, but with the help of my friends, family, and counselors, I know I can overcome this addiction and learn how to manage my triggers. Because if I can stop betraying my trust when I promise myself its going to get better, I can finally live the healthy, happy life I deserve.

Because I’m the only one who can save me.