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Depression: Handling Ups and Downs in Marriage and other relationships
Depression & Anxiety | Last Active: Jul 28, 2022 | Replies (57)Comment receiving replies
Hello Everyone
I am a 71 year old woman, living with my husband of 42 years. Over the past decade, what began as feeling pretty lonely for several years until my husband retired, soon morphed into mild depression and is now quite bad. My husband is a great guy in all respects with the exception of listening to and talking about "feelings." If I want to add a 50 foot fence to the back acre, we can talk for hours about THOSE kinds of "feelings," but if the conversations turns to more personal, deeper feelings, like why I've been feeling down and lonely lately, his "glass half full," personality, which I normally love, quickly tells me "You're gonna be fine. It will pass. Maybe you should see your doctor." I appreciate his effort. Like most people our age, we just didn't grow up in homes where really personal feelings were talked about openly, and even with our very best friends, a lot of feelings were withheld. You did not want the neighbors to know Aunt Betty was "CRAZY......" I'll stop here, otherwise this will turn into an epic tome. I just need to talk to people who understand how dark and scary depression can be. I need someone to walk with for awhile. Thank you ~Linda
Replies to "Hello Everyone I am a 71 year old woman, living with my husband of 42 years...."
Hi Linda,
Can relate to the long dark periods of depression. I still wake up every morning with a dark cloud looming over me and medication doesn’t help. Do you have a therapist? Maybe look into support groups in your area. This forum is also a good way to connect with others. Keep trying.
rubywitch67 Hi Linda,
As you can see I moved your post here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/handling-ups-and-downs-in-marriage-and-other-relationships/?pg=4#chv4-comment-stream-header because I wanted to bring some further awareness to the dynamics of depression and relationships and how to navigate them. Also wanted to invite @pdnorm, @flow65, @audriana, @acoblin, @gingerw, @marjou, @miller0304, @johneckenrode11, @leerizz, @theai, and @smileygreen69 who have all participated in similar discussions.
We are here to walk with you. I would love to hear your answers from Ginger and Marjou's questions!
@rubywitch67
I smiled when I saw your handle. The Wizard of Oz is my husband's favorite movie. We have a few things in common such as our Era, my hubby is 71. I'm 67. Married 45 years. Grew up with secrets: "Don't tell your Dad." "Don't tell your aunt." "DON'T TELL ANYONE ANYTHING!"
Btw...we really had an Aunt Betty.
Ironically, I've turned into the crazy old aunt...That's ok. You might be able to relate to Aunt Mame or Arsenic in Old Lace--- hold that thought! I'm not into murder. How about Auntie Em?
Anyway,
As a child, it was difficult to navigate around secrets. Then...
My husband was in the military for 22 years. Some of his missions will go with him to his grave. His mantra is "Prepare for the worst. Hope for the best." He also sincerely tried to get me to buy into: "What's said in the house, stays in the house." Nope! I do buy into discretion. I've realized the hard way that self-disclosure can be dangerous.
However, I have a combo of PollyAnna and Don Quixote in me.
I have a plaque on my wall:
"Hope is the joyful expectation of good things to come."
My husband has PTSD because of his own childhood secrets compounded by war. The other day, we were actually talking about depression, anxiety, ADD...our alphabet soup. We too rarely talk about feelings. But.
We've dealt with my stuff for over 40 years when I was officially diagnosed with "Housewife depression" while we were stationed in Germany.
I mentioned the PTSD to him because of the cyber stalking I've been experiencing. My anxiety is Elevated and my PTSD has been activated.
Him: "Your PTSD? You mean Combat Fatigue?" "You have PTSD, too?"
Me: " Yes"
Him: "I didn't know you have PTSD."
Well. We both have ADD & for the longest time, the VA wouldn't recognize his hearing loss as combat related, so I'm sure he didn't hear me about 20 years ago when I said, "My psychiatrist changed my diagnosis. He said, "You're not bi-polar. Dr. So & So has a propensity for diagnosing 9/10 women as bi-polar. You have Major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, ADD & PTSD. BtW...your depression is still treatment resistant.""
Interesting...propensity
"an often intense natural inclination or preference."
My husband is word challenged, so I had to break it down for him...
Dr. So & So diagnosed 90% of his female patients with manic depression. Jerk! Dr. So & So. Not my husband.
I like words. I'd rather read your epic tome than lie in a tomb.
Some things I've learned about words from experience as a patient with psychiatric issues:
1. Avoid sarcasm.
2. Avoid hyperbole.
3. Avoid figurative language.
Otherwise, standard American English is OK...but watch out for the ANTs swarming in my head...Automatic negative thoughts...lol
My best wishes to you to feel better: Body, Mind, and Spirit.
Here's to a long and healthy life so we can still have time to resolve some of our childhood issues.
BTW...my cyber stalkers (I used to call them trolls until someone actually thought I was seeing trolls) criticized me for being egocentric: "Everything is always about you!"
So, if I talked too much about me, I apologize. I was relieved to relate to someone from our Era. Someone who understands what we go through isn't just in our heads. They're a combination of situations, body chemistry, triggers, into infinity.
I've also been told that "Baby Boomers have caused all the problems in the world."
You know, @rubywitch67...after years of therapy, I've learned consistent over-generalizations: All, Everything, Everyone, Always, Never... are usually not healthy, and sometimes inaccurate.
Keep in touch! We can walk together.
--PollyQuixote
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@rubywitch67 Hi Linda! You've picked an older discussion to post into, but we are seeing you just fine.
I am just a couple of years behind you in age, and can indeed relate to the really personal feelings were not talked about. And, my husband and yours would certainly be mirrors for each other, let me tell you!
How have you been handling your depression up until now? Are you seeing a professional? Talking to friends or close family? Distracting yourself with creative endeavors or exercise or music? Writing down your thoughts?
Ginger