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Emotional health after cancer: How are you doing really?
Cancer: Managing Symptoms | Last Active: 19 hours ago | Replies (287)Comment receiving replies
You are so right about how loaded and complex the internal reaction is to that seemingly benign question, “How are you?” Is after a cancer diagnosis. I go to the clinic, get poked, squeezed, and and inundated with information and possible treatment options. I am grateful I am in good care. I had been planning and waiting for this summer to complete some updates and repairs in my home that have been started. Then I get a cancer diagnosis just in time to derail everything I had looked forward to fixing before we hunker down for winter again. Rage kicks in an I find myself asking to push surgery and treatment out further and further so I can get my plan back on track. I have a manic panic rage driven anxiety that is allowing me unnatural levels of energy and it’s destructive. Pretty much everyone in my family has been “ripped a new one” for not caring. My demands and expectations of them have changed in my panic to complete work before I have surgery and become completely useless. I perceive their seeming lack of motivation or interest in helping me as unsupportive. My reasoning is that all the debris, filth and lack of functioning bathrooms will be detrimental to my recovery. Why don’t they care? Well it’s probably because I’m in a state of self-absorption, and unmerited self-pity. That’s what I gather. I must be the problem and cancer has exacerbated my maladjusted personality. I just feel a little insignificant and uncared for in a critical time of accepting I am a cancer patient. Ugh!
“How am I doing?” I’d rather not say.
Replies to "You are so right about how loaded and complex the internal reaction is to that seemingly..."
I can truly relate. I had the master bathroom started when I got my diagnosis. I started chemo less than two weeks later, with the interim filled with Dr appointments and surgery to get my port inserted. I almost died from the first treatment and was hospitalized for a week to stabilize me. They removed one of the medications from my cocktail that they thought caused the problem, but I was bedridden for most of the months of chemo. I was lucky because I had disability insurance thru my employer, because we had to hire a caregiver for me. All this time the bathroom closest to me was out of order. My husband decided to bite the bullet and take out a home loan to finish the bathroom and add UV and hepa filtration for the furnace so clean the air for my health.
I don’t know your circumstances, but I started living by an adage when I got cancer the first time in my twenties. “The only thing you can control in life is your attitude.” Think about your perspective. In the scheme of things, life comes first. Get your health taken care of. The bathroom won’t matter if you die. Your family could care less about the bathroom and only care about you. If it means taking out a loan enough just to get it usable, you can worry about the rest when you are healthy. Otherwise, your family will have to worry about the bathroom after they bury you. I don’t want to be harsh, but as a two time cancer survivor, your health and your family’s peace of mind should be first!
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@lisaok- Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I agree that cleanliness is very important for good healthy recovery. However, I'm not sure that pushing people away because of your expectations is healthy. Perhaps a compromise might be in the making?
No matter who gets cancer - those of us who weren't surprised but shattered and those of us who were both shattered and surprised cancer will interrupt everyone's lives. In my house, we had to decide many things that would need to change- mainly schedules, travel and a partial remodel of one of our rooms. Is there a way that a bathroom update for the one that you will use post-op be done and leave everything else for when you can have it done?
I have found that expecting people to react to things the way I do is a dangerous road to travel on. I have over-the-top expectations and have to be very careful with this. I sometimes forget that no one else is in my position.
"I'm the one with cancer and in need of treatment. I'm the one who sees all of these things around me that need to be fixed..and no one seems to understand." They can't possibly see things through your eyes. Can they?