Thanks for responding. I applaud you for
volunteering your time to help on this group. So many amazing people; I'm really overwhelmed. It makes me very emotional.
I suffer from Complex PTSD.
I was physically and emotionally abused by my father from the age of 9 or 10 till he died when I was 17. I wasn't diagnosed till 2011. I knew I was deeply depressed and felt it was my fault. I've been in therapy for years and on medication. None of them really work. Some help for a few months then don't work anymore. I've been on just about every combination.
Getting a cancer diagnosis didn't help. I have a very close friend who has been there for me and I don't know how I would have gotten through without her. We were neighbors but she moved out of state right before Covid. She's married with two young boys and a full time job. But she's always there for me, no matter what. The abuse from my father was mental & emotional abuse. The physical abuse wasn't sexual. It was beatings. Usually with a belt.
The words were much more painful. I don't feel the slaps or the sting of the belt anymore but the words are always in my head. Everything was my fault; I was usesless, stupid, a disgrace to the family. I could not do anything right. Anything that went wrong was my fault. I was quiet, spent most of my time reading, and got straight A's in school. It didn't matter. Every night at dinner he would say I was no good, wouldn't amount to anything. He resented paying for my tuition, clothes, food etc. But mainly he summed it all up by saying if he had known what kind of child I would turn out to be he would have had me aborted. He wouldn't let up till I left the table in tears. Then he would laugh and say I was a cry baby.