Well, I really don't want to have any more deformities and that is a personal frailty that I know should not be high on the list. However, I know what it would do to my mental health which is already suffering from clinical depression and a low self esteem. The more important reason is that I am scared to death of having any more "side effects" that will limit what I can do or add to the existing problems that I have and make me hate being alive. I have osteoarthritis and am being tested for psoriatic arthritis; neuropathy in my right foot; a constant battle with insomnia, weight gain and depression; and have low energy. After three years of constant pain in my shoulders where I couldn't sleep from the pain, I couldn't do up my bra or my apron, couldn't wash my hair etc. etc. - I finally got treatment that healed them and am back to being able to move almost normally. The relief of this made a huge difference to my entire mental and physical well being. I have suffered with suicidal thoughts and had one attempt a number of years ago. Having looked at the side effects from both the radiation and the Tamoxifen which might bring back much of that and more, I am scared of myself not being able to cope with it. Right now, about 5 weeks after the partial mastectomy, I have some minor pain that I can tolerate, I have a nasty scar that I don't like but can tolerate, my breast is a bit smaller than the other one but mostly looks normal and I can tolerate that. So I am going about most of my regular life activities without too much trouble, but if I get to the point where I can't do regular daily life without a great deal of pain and lack of energy etc. I am worried I won't be able to stand it.

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