Oh Mika, I can't begin to imagine. Losing someone to suicide challenges our comprehension and leaves us wondering why love can't be enough. I'm sure he felt and knew your love. You may also be interested in sharing with others who understand loss by suicide here:
- Suicide: Finding it hard to lose someone by suicide https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/suicide-1/

Please know that the choices your brother made and the destruction it caused others are not yours to bear. You're hurting too.