1. < Mental Health

Eating disorder adult child: How can I help her?

Posted by libertyusa @libertyusa, Nov 24, 2021

Hello. My daughter, a mother and hard-working professional, is a sincere, motivated person, with what I guess is a serious eating disorder. This has gone on for years, but I am concerned. It is hard for me to talk to her about it, as it annoys her. She was athletic, engaged in school and work, is raising 2 wonderful children. I wonder if it could be a fear of shyness /or/ inferiority? And yet she has done well in a productive life. I am only guessing the reasons, but I think she needs a program where she can be part of a group with similar concerns and outcomes.

I want to help, but do not think she will let me. She reads about health; goes to doctors, seems to have many "ailments", is generally extremely health conscious and yet eats so little; is a great and thoughtful mother and wife and person. There could be a deep general unhappiness - I am not sure. She has worked diligently at school work and at her profession. She has many blessings and is a nice, attractive person. But she needs help in being drawn away/released from her thoughts to focus on the positives. She lives far from me, so I do not see her often, but we communicate by phone and email. Her sibling is a big supporter. Is there a discussion group that meets somewhere away from home - where people can go for treatment for maybe a week at a time? And re-enforce it with follow up sessions? Thank you for suggestions/ideas. A proud, but concerned, Mom.

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Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Nov 24, 2021

I feel your pain and concern about wanting to help. While my daughter will come to me for support and help on some areas of life, there are other areas that are strictly taboo. I wait on the sidelines ready to support if and when she welcomes me in. It's soooo hard.

What helped me was to inform myself about the mental health issues she deals with (not eating disorder). I did a lot of reading and I joined a 10-week parents group. It helped a lot. I learned about what I could change and what I had to let go. Mostly I work at changing how I respond to her in a way that opens up conversation rather than shutting it down. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes not. I'm still learning, making mistakes and getting better with practice. Because we see each other less now since she no longer lives at home, I don't get to practice as much as would be helpful for me.

If you'd like to get more information about how to support someone with an eating disorder, I recommend checking out the resources on NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association).
- How to Help a Loved One with an Eating Disorder? https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/help/caregivers

They also have a page about free and low-cost support options, including virtual support.
- Free & Low Cost Support https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/free-low-cost-support

And a hotline, which you can also use https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline

Does your daughter open up with her sibling?

REPLY
Mentor
John, Volunteer Mentor | @johnbishop | Nov 24, 2021

Hello, I can certainly relate to what you are going through. Our son who is in his early 50s and lives with us was diagnosed with mental health condition in his pre-teen years and spent much of his teen years in and out of hospitals. An eating disorder was just a minor part of his problems but he still struggles off and on with it to this day. My wife and I found support through a local group sponsored by the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI). The support group helped us through some rough patches mentally and physically. NAMI has a section on Eating Disorders that you might find helpful - https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Eating-Disorders/Support. You may be able to call the NAMI support number or send them an email to find out if they have a support group close to you - the contact info is at the top of the Eating Disorders page above.

Even today it is difficult for me to talk to my son about his bulimia. He tells me he talks with his doctor about it and he is working on trying to control it so I just have to be thankful and accept that he is working on it. He will talk with his mother much more freely than with me which I think is because he thinks he has let me down which he really hasn't but nothing I can say will change it so I just accept and try to support his efforts.

I noticed that the site mentioned by @colleenyoung has search capability to find a local support group that you might find helpful also. I found it under the Free & Low Cost Support link above.
-- https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/support-groups-research-studies

REPLY
2 replies
libertyusa | @libertyusa | Nov 24, 2021
In reply to @johnbishop "Hello, I can certainly relate to what you are going through. Our son who is in..." + (show)
@johnbishop

Hello, I can certainly relate to what you are going through. Our son who is in his early 50s and lives with us was diagnosed with mental health condition in his pre-teen years and spent much of his teen years in and out of hospitals. An eating disorder was just a minor part of his problems but he still struggles off and on with it to this day. My wife and I found support through a local group sponsored by the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI). The support group helped us through some rough patches mentally and physically. NAMI has a section on Eating Disorders that you might find helpful - https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Eating-Disorders/Support. You may be able to call the NAMI support number or send them an email to find out if they have a support group close to you - the contact info is at the top of the Eating Disorders page above.

Even today it is difficult for me to talk to my son about his bulimia. He tells me he talks with his doctor about it and he is working on trying to control it so I just have to be thankful and accept that he is working on it. He will talk with his mother much more freely than with me which I think is because he thinks he has let me down which he really hasn't but nothing I can say will change it so I just accept and try to support his efforts.

I noticed that the site mentioned by @colleenyoung has search capability to find a local support group that you might find helpful also. I found it under the Free & Low Cost Support link above.
-- https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/support-groups-research-studies

Jump to this post

Oh, gosh, so sorry to hear about your son's challenges. It is difficult to
find out that there is little that can be done.
I may not be using the right terminology. We think something bothers her
mentally, but she seems like
basically a normal person (or almost anyway). I do not know if she has
bulimia - I just think she eats very tiny
meals. I do not know enough about it. She does take a lot of vitamins and
generic pills, etc. She is diligent about working on this problem and that
problem, but I just do not know what this is all about. She has never
required hospitalization but she has lost so much weight. She works on
trying to keep physically fit but she has several troublesome things. She
lives with husband and 2 children, and has worked full-time for 20 years,
but now is seeking P/T if she finds something she likes. I think that is
probably a very good decision. However, thank you,
I will check the link you gave me. She lives 600 miles away, but maybe
there is something in her area we will
check out. I do not know how serious this is, but it definitely should be
addressed. Best wishes to you and your
family for a nice Thanksgiving holiday.

REPLY
1 reply
Mentor
John, Volunteer Mentor | @johnbishop | Nov 24, 2021
In reply to @libertyusa "Oh, gosh, so sorry to hear about your son's challenges. It is difficult to find out..." + (show)
@libertyusa

Oh, gosh, so sorry to hear about your son's challenges. It is difficult to
find out that there is little that can be done.
I may not be using the right terminology. We think something bothers her
mentally, but she seems like
basically a normal person (or almost anyway). I do not know if she has
bulimia - I just think she eats very tiny
meals. I do not know enough about it. She does take a lot of vitamins and
generic pills, etc. She is diligent about working on this problem and that
problem, but I just do not know what this is all about. She has never
required hospitalization but she has lost so much weight. She works on
trying to keep physically fit but she has several troublesome things. She
lives with husband and 2 children, and has worked full-time for 20 years,
but now is seeking P/T if she finds something she likes. I think that is
probably a very good decision. However, thank you,
I will check the link you gave me. She lives 600 miles away, but maybe
there is something in her area we will
check out. I do not know how serious this is, but it definitely should be
addressed. Best wishes to you and your
family for a nice Thanksgiving holiday.

Jump to this post

Thank you, I'm hoping you have a Blessed and Happy Thanksgiving also.

REPLY
libertyusa | @libertyusa | Dec 13, 2021
In reply to @johnbishop "Hello, I can certainly relate to what you are going through. Our son who is in..." + (show)
@johnbishop

Hello, I can certainly relate to what you are going through. Our son who is in his early 50s and lives with us was diagnosed with mental health condition in his pre-teen years and spent much of his teen years in and out of hospitals. An eating disorder was just a minor part of his problems but he still struggles off and on with it to this day. My wife and I found support through a local group sponsored by the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI). The support group helped us through some rough patches mentally and physically. NAMI has a section on Eating Disorders that you might find helpful - https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Eating-Disorders/Support. You may be able to call the NAMI support number or send them an email to find out if they have a support group close to you - the contact info is at the top of the Eating Disorders page above.

Even today it is difficult for me to talk to my son about his bulimia. He tells me he talks with his doctor about it and he is working on trying to control it so I just have to be thankful and accept that he is working on it. He will talk with his mother much more freely than with me which I think is because he thinks he has let me down which he really hasn't but nothing I can say will change it so I just accept and try to support his efforts.

I noticed that the site mentioned by @colleenyoung has search capability to find a local support group that you might find helpful also. I found it under the Free & Low Cost Support link above.
-- https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/support-groups-research-studies

Jump to this post

John Bishop,
I know you are a volunteer mentor, so I am asking you a question. Is it possible to remove my initial posting about eating disorder?
I am very worried the person may see it and it would be extremely upsetting. If you cannot do it, can you please
let me know who I should contact? I think the info is probably helpful, but I need to remove my posting.
Thank you.

REPLY
libertyusa | @libertyusa | Jan 6, 2022

I must take some action. I hope to contact the NAMI support number. Please accept my gratitude for all replies that are posted.

REPLY
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