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Spouse not understanding my grieving

Loss & Grief | Last Active: May 18, 2023 | Replies (14)

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@vfrifr

Thank your for your condolences. I am the youngest of 6. (I am 62). By the time I was in my late 20's, 4 of my siblings (including the one that had passed) had moved out of state. By husband of 16 years, has only seen these siblings many 5 or 6 times when they have come to town. He is not close to any of them. The brother that passed had Stage 4 cancer in 4 parts of his body. For 3 1/2 years he lived life to the fullest while dealing with the cancer. When he realized that cancer and/or treatments would take his life, he asked each one of us siblings to come and spend a week with him, one on one. (No spouses). Thanks to my visit, I have no regrets, nothing was left unsaid and I was able to say good bye. When my brother entered hospice, my husband said, "You have already said Goodbye, just forget about him." The most recent comment about my crying from time to time was "You are making yourself unhealthy by all this crying". My responses to his comment have been "I miss my brother and it would be unhealthy not to cry!" My husband just walks away. By brother was cremated and his ashes will be spread in the spring at Steamboat Lake. The celebrations of his life will take place on his birthday in June. Other than my husband, I am doing well with my brother's passing. I have gone through the shock, denial and anger stages. With everything happening out of state, I have been able to find closure and have a sense of peace about his passing. I journal, do one on one grief counseling once a week. Have a minister and friends to talk to. Email with my other siblings. Been reading the book "Surviving the Death of a Sibling" by T.J. Wray. (Wonderful book!) I am looking to hear from people whose spouse also had the same problem for ideas on how to best deal with the problem.

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Replies to "Thank your for your condolences. I am the youngest of 6. (I am 62). By the..."

@vfrifr Crying can really be a healthy way when dealing with highly charged emotions! Some people cry when angry, or happy, or sad, simply overcome by the intensity. Do you notice [as I have] how more peaceful and calm you feel after expressing yourself in a good cry? Perhaps you are thinking about the happenings or events you will miss your brother at. Perhaps you are missing his input on things. It doesn't matter.

If your husband has not lost a family member or close relative/friend, he is not able to understand [yet] the different ways people grieve. That puts you in a unique position to help him understand, knowing everyone handles it differently. Perhaps lending him the book you spoke of? Perhaps having a friend clue him in how his comments hurt you? You have an open wound that is your brother's passing, and you would rather salve on it, than salt. The grief counseling may have an idea for you to address this, and your journaling is certainly a help!
Ginger