Hello, I just came across this discussion titled "Tips for Speaking with Someone with Hearing Loss" and I sincerely appreciate all the suggestions! If only everyone, especially those without hearing loss, could read and absorb them! I had no idea there were support groups for hearing loss and I only came across this discussion after another heart-wrenching family meeting in which my hearing loss was discussed as a major source of deterioration in the family relationship. Since I already wear hearing aids, I wouldn't expect such critical remarks, yet that's where we are and I know many other households experience much the same problems that we do.

For the record, I wear Phonak amplified BTE Bluetooth hearing aids which help somewhat with my hearing loss, but they amplify a lot of unwanted noise as well. Like many with hearing loss, I also lip read somewhat if I am facing someone.

In my situation, I've done my best to deal with my hearing loss over the years, which first became inconveniently noticeable at around the time I turned 55 (10 years ago). My co-worker, who sat right next to me, had a very soft voice that forced me to lean in closer whenever he spoke to me and even then I often had to ask him to repeat himself. At that same time, my wife began expressing frustration over my asking her to repeat herself so often. An audiologist told me I had borderline hearing loss and that the best solution was to be my own advocate, which meant asking people to repeat themselves, speaking up, or even approaching them directly face-to-face. That worked for a few years; then my wife asked me to go for a follow-up hearing test and I've now been wearing hearing aids for around five years.

I have often told others that hearing loss is one of the most unforgiveable handicaps a person can have. Another is ADHD, but that's another topic for another discussion. Frankly, I do not understand why those with hearing loss are often treated so callously, as though they are able to flip a switch and "fix it," but they "apparently" don't care about imposing their handicap on others. That's an incredible way to regard those with hearing loss, yet those are the vibes I've often received from others, including my spouse! In my youth I was exposed to many older folks with hearing loss, including my great-grandparents. They mostly yelled at each other because that's the only way they could hear what the other person was saying. I didn't regard them as being "mean" to each other or otherwise inconsiderate -- I just knew they had severe hearing loss. In the same way, when they spoke loudly to me, I didn't ask them to speak more softly because I knew their loud tone wasn't intentional and I also knew that if they spoke at MY comfort level, they most likely wouldn't have been able to hear their own voices. Can you imagine speaking to someone while not hearing any sound coming out of your voice box? And would you ask anyone to do that so the sound of their voice will have a more pleasing effect on YOUR ears?

The main hurdle I have with hearing loss (relationship-wise) is somehow conveying to those with near-perfect hearing to not only be understanding of those who find themselves asking you to repeat yourself, but to also be understanding of those who are speaking LOUDER than normal because otherwise they may feel like they're whispering. Speaking for myself, I would never intentionally blare my words out to anyone, but if I AM, some gentle hand gestures indicating that I need to turn my volume down would be better received than later pointing out how rude and boisterous I come across with the tenor of my voice.

As a result of our latest family meeting discussing my failure to meet my wife and daughter's expectations with my voice levels, I've decided to do the following: (1) While on the phone (with the Bluetooth audio coming in to my hearing aids), I will either go to a separate room for a private conversation OR I will put the phone on "Speaker" so my wife can hear both ends of the conversation (because apparently I speak too loudly when the audio comes in to my hearing aids), (2) Since it is so difficult for me to speak when I cannot hear my own voice, I will henceforth try to limit conversations. This is the only solution I can come up with for a family member who claims my voice actually hurts her ears and doesn't want to have to put on ear plugs whenever I happen to be in the same room. By the way, this new approach applies even while I'm wearing my hearing aids. I do not always wear them, but it seems like even when I do, I speak too loudly.

I am surprised that I haven't been able to locate any helpful online articles addressing how to deal with folks who, despite wearing hearing aids, speak what is generally considered too loudly. I tried many different combinations on Google, but I couldn't find anything helpful. They all tend to assume that the person speaking too loudly doesn't already wear hearing aids. I'm obviously not an audiologist, but if I were one, I would put together SOMETHING to help guide family members of a loved one experiencing hearing loss AND the accompanying "loud volume" symptom. In the meantime, here are a few items that I personally wish my own family would consider:

1) BLAMING: Please do not insinuate or create an impression that this is your loved one's fault! Trust me, those with hearing loss WANT to hear you clearly and I highly doubt they ever mean to yell at you!
2) UNDERSTAND and accept that those with hearing loss are naturally going to speak louder than those without it! We are supposed to bear with each other, so unless someone with hearing loss sounds like a foghorn and is literally giving you a headache, try to bear with him/her a little without being hyper-critical. When you're trying to do the right thing, yet nonetheless criticized, it hurts. Show some compassion instead of repulsion or rejection.
3) GENTLE GESTURES vs verbal criticism: When the voice volume is simply too high, use some gentle hand gestures to guide the speaker, such as a gesture indicating you're turning down the volume on the radio. Using glaring-eyed frowns or other unbecoming facial gestures, or even calling a family meeting to put the offender in the "hot seat" (after the fact) is counter-productive to maintaining a healthy relationship.
4) GET TESTED: IF the speaker doesn't already wear hearing aids, then by all means gently suggest that he/she would greatly benefit from having a hearing exam. Hearing loss is truly a two-way street and those with hearing loss need to bear SOME responsibility in resolving the problem! So when it becomes fairly obvious there's a hearing problem going on, show your loved ones you care by getting a hearing test, and if the consensus is that you need hearing aids, then prove you care by getting them and wearing them.

In my own situation, I am saddened to say I was wearing hearing aids during a recent phone discussion, yet rules #1-3 above were not applied and the general family consensus seems to be it's my fault. While I will try to accommodate their vocal volume requirements, I think things could have been handled differently. In all fairness, there are some helpful articles out there addressing how to deal with a loved one experiencing hearing loss, such as facing them directly, not speaking to them from another room, reducing background noise, not shouting, etc. Those are all very helpful tips, but I hope what I just added will also be considered because I KNOW it's not just me! Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings!

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