Connect
← Return to Adults On The Autism Spectrum
Discussion
Comment receiving replies
My husband and I are 76 years old, and we just learned he is on the spectrum. We were high school sweethearts so many years ago, but his Spectrum related behaviors pushed me away from him. We were each each went on to haveCareers and marriages, but we met again at our 50th high school reunion. The spark was stronger than ever and I fell in love all over again with this highly intelligent, handsome, honest, love a man. But those are not his only traits. The same traits that pushed me away as a teenager, threatened to push me away again now.
I’m happy to say we found a wonderful marriage counselor with experience and helping adults on the spectrum. Now that she’s helped us understand that his behaviors I find so difficult are not willful but cannot be eliminated, I have learned to understand and respect them. I accept them, but I still do not like them. Challenges remain, But I have a new confidence that we can chart a pass together.
I have two examples of the behaviors I’m still struggling with. My husband does not want to celebrate any birthdays or holidays. He does not want to give or receive gifts of any type at any time. OK, but I like giving and receiving gifts. Knowing he doesn’t, leaves me sad and Lacking a pleasure that I thought was available to everyone. I just bought him a gift and I don’t care if he’s happy to receive a gift or not, I’m giving it!
The second example involves having a dog. When my beloved King Charles Cavalier spaniel died earlier this year, it didn’t take long for me to decide I wanted to get a dog. That’s when I learned how much he hates dogs. He’s totally against it, doesn’t want it, and if it’s a problem he says he’ll get rid of it no matter how I feel. What?! This from a man who says he loves me? But now I understand from our marriage counselor That he lacks empathy. He cannot sympathize what he cannot empathize. I have not figured out what to do. What I want matters, but a lot of the joy that would’ve come from bringing home a new pet has just evaporated. I’m pretty sure I’m going to get a dog, but this is an example of the difficulty that remains even after understanding arrives.
Replies to "My husband and I are 76 years old, and we just learned he is on the..."
I am trying to find a gentle way to say that you should ask your husband to talk about empathy, and sympathy. I am an adult on the spectrum, and although it is difficult for me to show or recognize these emotions in other. I carry the weight of others burdens and pain on my shoulders. In fact after some frank conversations about this with family, I think I feel those emotions more strongly than most. I am not saying your husband is the same but many of us on the spectrum are. My husband also said no more dogs after the loss of my beloved tinkerbell, she came to us after hurricane Katrina and we had her 10 years. It was a crushing blow to me and he said, it was to him as well and he just can’t go through it again. He finally told me that after I was more insistent about why I couldn’t adopt another dog. Now I understand, and will respect his wishes.
The gift giving thing? I don’t believe this is absolutely about the spectrum. I am like you but I have to work harder to show how much that gift means, I also get very disappointed if my gift isn’t well received, although the other person will probably never know it.
Do you have other friends or family you can exchange gifts with to fulfill this need?
Can you have a conversation with your husband about empathy and sympathy without it being heated and without conversation about a dog?
Connect
@marana1963 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I see you joined a few days ago, and this is your first post. I hope you have had a chance to read about others on the autism spectrum, and their journeys. You have a wonderful story of renewed love, several decades apart, that is for sure.
Finding a marriage counselor who can help you navigate the rough waters and caring enough about each others' best health to pursue counseling, reminds us it is so important for our partners to understand and accept the adult autism person. I was diagnosed with Aspergers as an adult, but my husband doesn't "get it" like I would like him to.
Have you thought about the resistance to a dog as something your husband experienced as a younger person, perhaps? Is there a humane society near you that you could volunteer at, or perhaps a foster program you participate in? Helping a dog get a good start in a loving life can be very rewarding, and it would not be a permanent situation [at least to start]. Would your husband be open to you doing that, perhaps?
I can understand the idea of holidays/celebrations/gifts, as I am like that, too. My husband accepts it, usually as he forgets our anniversary, or birthdays, so it is an unintentional win-win for me. In my situation, we have a neighbor who insists on gifts/celebrations for everything, which flusters me, and really does put me on the defensive. You might want to explain to your husband that it pleases you to gift him, and you want to show in a tangible way your feelings for him. Or, you could give a gift to a group in both of your names.
Looking forward to your sharing as you see fit, and answering any questions you may have.
Ginger