@marjou I am saddened to hear the depth of your despair you write about. Let me tell you how I handled my own similar situation, and see if you can relate at all:

For parts of my life I have dealt with depression. Many of us are in a "mature" age group, and remember how we would not admit this to anyone. Various things I have tried is writing, or reading self-help books, or art therapy, or exercise, or working too much, all in an attempt to try to feel better. What I wasn't doing was putting myself into it wholely - whole heartedly and whole minded. My last two therapists [one LCSW, one a psychologist] I enlisted by saying, "I need help. I want your assistance to get me closer to where I need to be to be healthier." This phase, to me, showed I was going to do work, not just look for a "magic pill" of expecting someone else to fix me. It's a team thing, me and my professional. I can't do as well without their guidance, and they cannot do it for me.

Does this make sense? I hope your appts go well this week, and you will let us know how you are doing afterwards.
Ginger