I totally get it! As if the depression and anxiety aren't paralyzing enough, then we get the guilt and shame on top of it! I can totally relate to everything you wrote. I've been struggling with my depression and anxiety most of my life and I'm 50 years old now. I find that I sometimes have a hard time doing anything, especially things that could help, like exercise, and eating better. I was journaling again, allowing it to be messy and random allowed me more freedom with it, and that helped. I really connect with what you said about a fear of doing things wrong, so not doing them at all, and feeling like you aren't doing your share. I'm so glad to hear that your wife is understanding and supportive. I'm in a fairly new relationship, but he is patient and kind. He doesn't put any expectations on me, and loves me "as is". He knows things may never get better, and could definitely get worse, but he says he's in it for the long haul. Being accepted and loved exactly as I am has gone a long way in helping me to see value in myself as a person, but then I feel like I'm still not DOING anything, so what does it matter? And of course there's that caviat of, how can you truly love someone else when you don't truly love yourself? Well I kind of think it's a chicken and egg kind of thing, it can go both ways, either can come first. I needed to feel LOVABLE first. But I digress... I constantly feel like I'm letting my bf and my family down. I end up rescheduling my parent's doctor's appointments because I just won't be up to it that day. Then I hate myself for it, which makes everything worse. I want to share some positive things here, though instead of just commiserating. Being outside isn't always doable, many days I dont leave the house, but the fresh air does help, and now that spring is here, I find that just sitting in the sun can do wonders. If you're able to do any kind of meditation, or creative visualization or relaxation techniques, that can give your brain something to chew on besides negative rumination. I find that being aware of my thinking is really important. Maybe I'm worrying about something I have no control over, so when I realise that,
I do my best to make myself switch gears mentally and sometimes physically as well. Sometimes just getting up and getting a drink of water can help you start bgg thinking about something else. And they say that repeated affirmations can really create new neural pathways in the brain. The more we do things to combat all our negative thoughts, the easier it gets, and I really have found this to be true! I have found that music can have a huge effect on my mood, and have to remember to use it. I think pets can be a really big help too! I dont know if any of this has helped. But like Larry said, it's important to just remember that you are not alone, and that you ARE NOT a bad person, you just struggle with a debilitating illness, and you can't judge yourself based on that. We're all in this together. I'm glad we're here for each other. I don't know if we're allowed to share personal info? But my email is molliemegan@gmail.com if anyone wants to reach out. I might not be able to much with my life, but if there's anything I can do to help someone else who struggles with their mental health, I'll be glad to do it. 🙃