Thank you for sharing what is happening with you. I can totally relate about depression that just never lets up. I have it also and I trace it back to events- things that happened in my life. So many things that cannot be repaired. These things: 2 sons have died, one from cancer at age 32, one from a heart attack at age 40, two of my husbands have died, I had to sell my house and get into something smaller because I couldn't afford to keep it up after Husband #2 died. It got a lovely condo and it burned completely which I thought was nothing compared to the deaths so I never gave it much thought since it was all just stuff that was gone. My remaining child, a daughter was mean mean mean which was horrible for me - even telling me to "get out of here" at the reception after the funeral for my 1st husband and my son. I've been able to make sense and process then release some of the pain of everything except for what happened with the last son who died. He had been troubled since my divorce from his father after being married to him for 17 years (I was 18 and pregnant when we married). My son eventually got completely out of control and disappeared for 12 years, my Husband #2 had cancer during the worst of all that and he died before that child came back and lived with his father. I blame myself for what happened to him. He was 40 when his father died, he was not at all prepared to live alone, my current husband and I went back to where we live (out of state) and I felt such conflict about that even though my daughter was near him and he was physically safe but he was alone like he had been for the 12 years he was missing and homeless. I believe that if I'd stayed with him for a while, he might still be alive. When I think through it on a real physical level, he must have had very bad heart disease which is not my fault but the fault of the tremendous weight gain from the psychotropic meds that he had been put on. I could go on and on because there is just so much between all the lines. My life is a tragedy when I look back on it. I am completely afraid to move forward. It is a wonder that this marriage I have now is working as well as it is. I think the contributing factors that help are that this man really wants to be married to me. He certainly has his share of personal stuff. I desperately am trying to be as healthy as I can but sometimes I don't feel too healthy. I have to look in the mirror to be sure that I am not dying. I broke down completely after each death........physical breakdown that I also have had to overcome.