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If you lived with someone with MCI, you would soon learn, as I did, that inconsistency is the rule of each day. It depends on the mood or attitude of the person at a particular time, so it is difficult to asses whether the person is being difficult, stubborn, or just unable to be cooperative in his or her thinking.
So you must learn a peaceful response to every episode because to argue or criticize or correct the thinking or action just makes everything worse.
Early on, you learn not to ride with them when they are driving, as it may not be safe. You remember to not respond to their directions in a quiet way so they may not notice that you did not follow through. You hide your strong pain meds so they don't steal them. They may eat unsafe food from the refrigerator so you check the dates and clean out often because lack of taste or smell is an early warning sign of trouble. The hardest part is that you never know if they are being "foggy" in their thinking or if it is just stubborn refusal to cooperate as a fight to maintain their independence. Do not wait to find out. Protect yourself if you wish to outlive a person with MCI. And get control of the money needed to get everyone through the ordeal. It may take years!
Replies to "If you lived with someone with MCI, you would soon learn, as I did, that inconsistency..."
Oh my, Your words could have been mine. Thank you for explaining it so beautifully. Unfortunately it has taken me several years to learn healthy responses to what looks like stubbornness or unloving actions from my husband. We are doing much better due to my support groups and lots of reading & podcasts on dementia. While he is still independent after 12 years i do see cognitive decline. The best example is the inability to take old learned info, add it to new info, to create a new outcome. Holding on to the new info long enough to create a plan to fix something has very low odds.
Cleaning a gutter is easy, fixing a gutter, takes days and then its a poor outcome if its completed at all.
Do you hear phrases like “lets work together. lets think about that.” Im wondering if those are ways to fill holes in the thought process?
Lastly, does your husband need to have the final word in all conversation or even a comment about something in general? Instead or agreeing or validating my thoughts he says “OR and then says something similar.
Thanks again for your wise comments.
Hugs
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Dorisena, This is exactly what I needed to see... your response. I moved to our second bedroom last night with the door locked! My husband and I had a nice outing then came home to be shouted at about who knows what. His mood changes on a dime. I found out he bought a gun... his first although he did have one my father had given him. We took it when he was first diagnosed and didn’t miss it. My son who is in law enforcement tried to reason with him to get it away, but he fefused. We changed the lock on the case. My husband said he wanted to go target shooting since he can no longer fly a plane or play golf. Friends have disappeared. His Mayo neurologist did not make a big deal of the gun—- he compared it to a fishing pole. My husband was a high ranking officer in the military so I guess his Mayo doc thought he was used to guns... not!! My husband carried a gun on a three month mission otherwise had to go to the firing range once a year to qualify. Never hunted, never went target shooting.
I am frightened of my husband’s frequent mood changes. I am tired of living afraid. He has only been verbally abusive, not physical yet. Our physician told me to take him to the VA yesterday telling my husband it was for back pain he is constantly complaining of... had surgery on back in December. I was then to tell the VA doc I feared for his safety and mine. He would not go. I don’t know what to do. Divorce because an anoxic brain injury broke an otherwise good man and father? I am at a loss.
I too have to stay on top of cleaning out the fridge. Caught him eating old sliced turkey but why should I care? Won’t let me pay the bills or do them together. I get blamed for everything that goes wrong. My nerves are shot!
Forgive typos. I have eye problems.