@lacy2
Don't be hard on yourself for needing to write your many details here. You've had a JOURNEY! And like others on Connect who have had their own journeys, each one is a story that can't be told in just a few sentences. In reading this post I was particularly struck by the experience of having your caregiver, your husband, having his own medical situation happen and suddenly you are put in a position of trying to care for yourself and possibly him as well to an extent. Sounds similar to another Connect member, Renee, @faithwalker who is very ill and housebound and very confined to her chair, and who's husband, her caregiver, having such bad health issues himself that the roles occasionally have to be reversed. I worry about that myself. I care for my wife, and so far I am in good shape health wise, but one never knows what the future may hold. It gives one pause! I appreciate how difficult all that you have been through in your life has been for you. You have both my compassion as well as my admiration. You are a trooper, whether by choice or by necessity, much like many others here, and my mind is boggled regularly by what I read here sometimes. I hope you manage to be one of the survivors, i.e. do not need to resort to prematurely ending your life. But not being in your shoes I can only support whatever you decide to do. I just know that life, all life, has ups and downs, and if you are in a "down" there will inevitably be an eventual "up". Very best to you dear, Hank