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When things just don't get better
Depression & Anxiety | Last Active: Nov 11, 2022 | Replies (147)Comment receiving replies
@daphne47
I am sorry for the rough time you are going through in your life.
My wife's great aunt used to say "old age is not for sissies". I think that can be applied to life in general for many of us. When I was 12 I started to feel like a person who was, to use your word, defective. And I felt disconnected from everyone around me. I walked around feeling like an open wound for the next 25 years or so. The heaviness of that feeling lifted finally in my late thirties. A few months ago I was sent a photo of myself with my family from 1965 when I was 13. I could see that pain that I was carrying. I saw the sadness in my eyes. In my mind I could actually transport myself back to that hurting teenager that I was and recreate how it felt to be me then. Interestingly in the past couple weeks I have fallen into some of those similar old feelings. It has made me feel somewhat depressed, just like then.
I do know from a long life of experiencing the comings and goings of happiness, that it will return. Have you also known this in your own life, that pain (physical or emotional) does pass? When you are in the throws of the bad times it's very easy to forget that there is anything but pain in life. I hope yours lifts for you soon and that you will have a good day (or days) soon. Don't give up. Best, Hank
Replies to "@daphne47 I am sorry for the rough time you are going through in your life. My..."
Hank you are so right that happier days will return but I have to divorce my husband of a room-mate for that to happen. We're so co-dependent we'd have to live under the same roof after the divorce. I'm looking forward to meeting a nice guy who will accept my mental disabilities. Do you think that could happen? My husband Jim is a former porn addict and rarely touches me. No sex. No affection. His third marriage and he cannot admit to any of his faults. I deserve better. Maria.
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Hello, Hank. When I read what you said about your childhood feelings, it hit a couple of nerves.....that's a good thing! Disconnected is the first thing to hit me. I just now realize that's the way I felt almost all my life, until now. And it was a heavy feeling. I don't remember really having fun, ever, not deep down fun....I wanted to, tried, thought I was....but not really. You know, there's been so much emotional pain and physical junk since I was a young teen, I guess I really didn't feel honest, true emotions, so I couldn't experience fun. I think it was a trust issue, trust in myself and my emotions as being true and ok. It was ok to feel hurt or damaged or angry or sad......I always, all my life, have dealt with those feelings as wrong feelings. Bad. Thus, I was always wrong, bad.....Wow! You've really led me into an area I haven't touched before. Good for you and good for me! I'm the only girl in between 2 brothers growing up in the 50's +. My father, bless him, was a remarkable man, quite accomplished and special. But, he had a spot for me in the family and social dynamics that was difficult for me. I was never included in his life at all. The boys and he teased.....which is normal, yes, BUT not to the degree and personal depth they went. I wasn't ever as good as they, don't remember being praised by my parents, etc. That was the way it was in those years, prettty much for the next several decades. I experienced, as did most of my female peers, work discrimination to the degree most wormen today would be horrified to hear. Amazing how many ways we girls/women were put down, criticized, treated as unworthy. Yet, I was greatly loved. So, many years of confusion, eh? Now, I'm free to be me.....at 73 years old with a body that is fighting with me to get better and enjoy life. Finally. I missed too many good years, but pray I will have some good ones ahead. Bless you, Hank. Look what you just did for me! Elizabeth