There's too much for me to write here about my own relationship troubles, but I'll try to summarize.

I was very healthy until I turned 50. The only medication I took was ibuprofen for shoulder pain from painting houses and other buildings. Two surgeries stopped the pain - cleaning out a calcium deposit, and the other one to remove a bone spur.

After 50, I started feeling off. Gradually I was finding it hard to function, and told my pcp that what was going on could be depression, but I wanted to rule out any possible organic problems. So, I had a bunch of tests and did find a few physical problems and addressed them, and felt better for a while, but by 55, it was obvious that something was wrong in my brain. The doctor had prescribed an antidepressant back when he first started working with me, but I had become extremely depressed and made some unsuccessful suicide attempts. I admitted myself to a safe facility, where I stayed for 6 weeks, 5 weeks longer than usual.

I almost certainly had been mildly depressed for a long time, but when I spiraled down in 2003-'05, it was disabling, and I applied for Social Security disability and was approved with just one request.

My wife has never had a mental health problem, and it was hard - impossible at first - for her to understand. My daughter had been dealing with depression, so she gets it. My son still doesn't get it, and he thinks that I just need to pray more. That may be true, but it's not as simple as that.

I had to retire in 2006, and the move to our current home was a protracted nightmare. It took 31 trips to get all of our stuff moved, 175 miles each way, with my full size pickup and horse trailer, and 2 trips with the biggest UHaul truck. During the packing time, my wife kept finding me curled up in bed, which frustrated and irritated her. Our daughter came to help pack, but none of the many people we knew quite well offered to help. They didn't get it any more than my wife and son.

My wife has the thought in the back of her mind that I might actually commit suicide, and I know it bothers her, even though those attempts were 15 years ago. When I checked out of the safe house, I began seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor. I've been seeing therapists since then, with a couple of breaks for 6 months to a year. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with more than depression - he added anxiety disorder, OCD and PTSD. When I started seeing my current therapist, after one of the breaks, my wife told me that she thought I should have gotten over it by then, and didn't see the need for therapy.

Then, at 61, along came pn. It wasn't bad at first, just some tingling and numbness in my feet and legs. But the pain soon hit, and the search for a treatment began. I think I've frustrated several doctors in the quest because nothing has given me pain relief. A spinal cord stimulator gave me significant relief for a year, then it gradually lost its effectiveness over the course of the second year.

So, that's the background of the difficulties with relationships. Our son lives 2000 miles away, and it's a 10 hour drive to our daughter's, so we see her and her husband and 2 little girls fairly often - they're coming for a week at Thanksgiving.

My wife made the decision 5 years ago not to let my depression control her life, and as to the pain, she's had her share with severe pain in her knees and hip. 2 or 3 years ago I made a conscious decision not to mention my pain to her, and still make an effort only to say something when the pain is at its worst.

Even though she knows the scale of my pain and depression, she doesn't like it that I take medications for the various things, some to keep depression at bay, some for arthritis, some for neuropathic pain and some to treat anxiety and restless leg syndrome. There's a reason for each medication. She'd like me to get off some of them, but mscontin is the only medication that's helped long term reducing my pn pain. Does she want me to lose that and see my pain level go up to 9 or 10? Does she want me to start kicking her every night in my sleep? Does she want me to spiral back down into the dark hole of depression so I'm totally non-functional? I live every day with those questions, and the remarks about how awful my medications are.

More than once I've heard that I should get over it. Not just from my wife, but from other people, as well. That really doesn't help. As for the pain, I should get my focus off it, and think good thoughts, (That was the focus of the pain therapist I saw for 6 sessions.), and if it's not too bad, that actually works. But I don't expect much sympathy.

Not complaining. I try to be attentive to her pain and limitations.

Gotta stop for lunch.

Jim

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