Death of Husband: The hardest thing I've had to deal with

@lind827 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. Condolences on the loss of you beloved husband. It sounds like he was a wonderful man. Right now you need support and you have made positive steps in that direction by attending one-on-one therapy and joining Mayo Clinic Connect.

I added this discussion to the
- Loss & Grief group https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/loss-grief/

I did this so you could connect with members like @anncgrl @rosez @liz223 @tmmmrlts who have experienced similar losses.

You mentioned that no one is doing group therapy but you are instead doing one-on-one therapy. There are formal and informal grief groups online. There are some that are lead by therapists and some that are led by people that have experienced the loss of a loved one, like you. At Mayo Clinic Connect there are many members that have gone through similar losses and connecting can be extremely helpful.

What kind of support are you most interested in?

@lind827 I’m sorry for your loss and I wish there was a way to make the pain of losing him go away. It takes time to get through the initial grieving process and there are always going to be moments when you just need to take some time to address the physical loneliness. You’ve probably already been going through the loads of photos that you must have after 37 years, I would suggest that you pick those photos that make you smile or laugh when you first see them. Of course the feeling of loss will follow the smile so just do a few at a time. You’ll go through that collection a lot over time and each time pick out the ones that make you laugh or smile and keep them in a photo album that you can keep by your bed. Celebrate his life by talking about him and do the special things that you used to do together, and was his favorite. Regardless of the religion, I believe that a person’s soul is the blink of an eye away from every heart and mind that they touched when they leave us. When you do or say something that makes you think that he would love this is him saying that he really did because you were there with him. Surely the pandemic is only going to make things much harder but you have to believe that he is there trying to protect you like he always has. I hope that you find peace.

Hello @lind827 I am so sorry to read of your loss. I lost my wife of 42 years and know how challenging and difficult the grieving process is.

The only thing I can say is I have found living with grief is a very personal journey. I did not really begin to feel any better until I literally tossed all the grief reference books I was given into the trashcan. They only added to my grief when I realized I wasn't feeling or moving in the timeframe or manner those books said I should be. I also believe we grieve in direct proportion to how much we loved the one we've lost.

I lived in a small community without any groups in the area so I found this Connect community online and it helped me immeasurably! I found caring folks, many who had been on the path I was on and that was very helpful to me. I know some grief support groups even use Zoom and/or Facetime to electronically gather and to provide a greater sense of being together.

I look forward to hearing any questions you may have for how others manage their grief and losses.

Strength, courage, and peace

Hello @lind827,

I would like to join the other members who have expressed their condolences to you. I am so sorry to hear of your husband's passing. The picture you posted is just precious! Thank you for sharing that with Connect. Thirty-seven years of marriage was a long time to be with one person and I'm sure you loved each other very much.

You said that what brings you the most sadness is, "I keep saying I want to feel him or see some sign that he is with me as everyone says it happens, but Neither for me." Perhaps you could begin this yourself? What I'd like to suggest is to write your husband a note at the end (or beginning) of the day. You could tell him how much you love him and miss him. You could tell him about what is going on in your life and in the lives of your family. When that new grandchild comes next month you could put the baby's picture on your note to him.

This can often be quite comforting to those who have lost loved ones. It keeps you in touch with your feelings and helps you feel like you are not so alone. Keeping in touch with deceased loved ones through writing is often suggested in grief support groups and can bring comfort.

Is this something you might consider?

yes, thank you. Like a journal. Thank you everyone for your support.

@lind827

Will you keep in touch with Connect? I'd love to hear from you again and know how you are doing.

I too lost my husband from cancer. He died in March. We were married 42 years and I am still devastated . I miss him so much.

Yes, this pandemic makes such big losses all the more challenging. My stepmother had recommended to me a national group called GriefShare. I just googled that name & they are still offering many groups at least in my zip code area currently.

I actually attended this program twice. The first time I attended it the group was run by a licensed psychologist & she was heavily into privacy so much so I had no idea why some people were there, they never shared a word.

The second group I attended was run by a Presbyterian minister’s daughter & she had everyone introduced themselves & at least share why they were there. So much can depend on how facilitators suit you.

At the time I took the program they ask only for a donation of less than $20 for the workbook which was actually optional to purchase. DVDs were shown on the book’s weekly topics then discussed (your input was completely optional) afterwards.

I felt I greatly benefited from the second go at it, mainly because the facilitator shared her experience with us & I found it so helpful, validating what I was going through. I hope you have/find help that is of comfort to you. God bless.

Hello @jengre1975 I'm very sorry to read of your loss. I'm Scott and I lost my wife to brain cancer after 41 years of marriage. I, too, still miss her every day and struggle at many times. I have found the Connect community to be helpful and supportive as I continue along my life with grief as my new partner.

One of my biggest helps was to begin a 'To Do' list for myself. Each item on the list includes some type of contact for me -- a visit, phone call, letter, thank you note, postcard, email, search for a friend of old, etc. I do at least one a day and when I do one I insist that I add a new item at the end of the list. This works for me, but it's probably not for everybody,

Feel free to let me know if you'd like to discuss more. I find talking on Connect to be quite therapeutic for me.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

Thank you. It does help to talk with others who understand.