@jimhd Oh Jim, my good good friend. I too did have the self loathing. I had it for years and years. I think I finally got rid of almost all of it by age 36 in 1988. What helped me was first, of course, finding God at 23. Next, meeting Linda, my resident therapist, was instrumental in figuring out who I was as a human being. The next Big Thing was the inner child work done around 1987-88 or so. That is the point where I was able to disarm the loathing at my core. Actively giving love to my inner child (as airy-fairy new agey as it sounds) was the most profound thing that I was ever changed by so quickly. I bet it didn't take but a few weeks, and really just a few key days or instances, to dismantle the driver of the loathing. I can't put into words what the essence of it was, maybe it was the fact that my inner self interpreted my allowing it to be hurt originally as an acknowledgement that I was unworthy of love. I don't know. I do know that being liberated from that self loathing was the biggest move toward mental health I ever made in so short a time.

Jim, my words here will not help you, I know. I know you have tried everything you know to try. You have to find your own answers ultimately. All I hope to convey is that it is possible to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep your hope alive if you can, and keep yourself alive while you are at it. Best, Hank