@lorirenee1 @sunnyflower @rwinney @jesfactsmon. et all

I'm sorry to have been out of the loop for a couple of days. I'm trying to wade through a ton of messages. I know what you mean when asked how you're doing. Do they really want to know? I generally go on the assumption that it's just an automatic extension of hello, and I reply with what's actually a lie - fine or OK. I try not to ask how someone is unless I'm serious about wanting to listen to their truth.

Thank you all for the kind things you've said to me. My self esteem, guilt, shame, self-worth... issues make it hard for me to believe that you really mean what you're saying, and my internal, unspoken response is "Yeah right. If you knew everything about me you wouldn't say those things." Or, I think, "I don't deserve it." I talked with David, my therapist, about this on Monday, specifically about what you wrote, Hank. I'm humbled. I have difficulty believing that I could inspire anyone.

This is something that's been true for me all my life. I've always been self-effacing and self-deprecating, finding it hard to accept compliments. And this chronic neuropathy pain totally messes with it. I just tapered off Imipramine, which had lowered my pain range from 5-8 down to 2-4. It was too good to last. The past few months it's had no effect on the pain. Yet another failed medication. The only thing I have now is ms contin, and my doctor won't increase the dose to a level that actually relieves the pain. I take less than my prescribed dosage so that when the pain is 8 or 9, I have spare pills that I can dip into. I took one of the spares last night, and will probably do it again tonight. I've never exceeded my prescribed total daily dose. I'm hanging on until I know the outcome of my back surgery on the 24th. If it doesn't reduce the pain, I'm going to have a discussion with my doctors about raising my morphine dose. So what if I'm addicted to it. If I were 20, that would be a different story, but at 70, if a medication gives me pain relief, I ought to be able to take enough to do the job - within reason, of course.

I did read your post, Hank, about cleaning out the s**t from my past. I've resolved a lot of it by now, and pretty much done any forgiving that was called for. Trouble is, the past informs the present. It colors today's and tomorrow's choices. Trauma doesn't just go away. Neither do all of the good life experiences. (My own take on it with the help of some good counsel)

And pain really colors our thinking. For me, this pain hit in the middle of mental ill-health recovery, and depression partners with pain. They feed off each other, making treatment a tough challenge.

Gotta quit so I can scroll through the rest of the 75 messages in my inbox.

Thank you all for your encouragement.

Jim

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