Jim, I 'm really feeling badly about what you're going through. Sounds very tough. Please know that I will be upholding you in prayer asking the Lord to guide your doctor's hands, for the surgery to be seamless, without complications, for a speedy recovery and success resolving your pain. I will also be praying that you have God's comfort and the His peace through Christ that surpasses all human understanding Philippians 4:7. Hopefully you and Marilyn can talk about how you are feeling about things and that you you both can be a safe place to fall for one another. All the best to you Jim, warmest regards, Sunnyflower

@jimhd Hey Jim. I hear you loud and clear. It's 3:40 am and I'm up in back and shoulder pain. I was so pleased to have received enough help from marijuana earlier that I went to bed with out my 4th hydrocodone. That means no hydro since 2:30 pm. I write down every pill I take. I was ticked pink for that to happen as anytime I can go without, pleases me. I seem to typically share my good news with my husband and he gives me a verbal pat on the back. The other night, as I sat next to him and watched a movie, pain was swirling throughout my legs...muscle tighhtening and nerve pain. To the point of rubbing them, moving them in various positions to attempt to find comfort.Up and down and all around. I made some tiny whimpering noises ( I say tiny cause I'm no drama queen!). I was up, I was down. Then the brightness from the TV screen ran my eyes into the ground. I pushed watching until I just couldn't take it anymore. My husband did not say one word., not one touch.

Anyhow, I will ever only indirectly ask for sympathy if my psychological state is fragile and I know I need reassurance. It would have been so comforting to me if my husband said one empathetic word in that moment. I dont need a big gush of emotion. Maybe just, I see your suffering and I'm sorry. His way is to say, can I get you ice or heat? I mean, it's something I suppose. My hope is that when I'm at Mayo Pain Rehab in October, he benefits from the spousal sessions. It's not easy on him and I know he bares my pain too, just in a different way.

My son, (and Sunny, this is for you too) seems to never want to ask how I'm feeling or doing? He's 27 now and on his own. He seems to only want to bring me distraction and if I go there with reality, he seems quite uncomfortable and wants to redirect me. Pretty sure it's hard for him to see Mom this way now, and having issues since age 43. My boy loves me and I have no doubt about that.

Last January, I was very emotionally delicate and let my husband know I needed more support from he and the kids. Maybe that was wrong, I felt a little weak in asking. I also felt like things were bad enough so that if I asked, they damn well knew I wasnt very stable. It takes a lot for me to ask and they know it. Anyhow, my husband, Kevin. spoke to the kids and told them, Mom needs more support from you. They were great and gave it too me with text messages and phone calls asking me how I was doing, finally My daughter, 18, actually sent flowers from college! My son was there with his voice to comfort.

So yes, Jim and Sunny, ask when you really need to ask. It's ok. Even though our pain is ongoing, they cant hang, and we wouldn't want them to. I feel they take pleasure in knowing distraction is the best medicine for us and hearing the words that we are in so much pain, hurts them deeply. That's hard to take when you see your hero, your mentor, your partner, your spouse struggling.

I grew up since age 8 with a Mom who lived in chronic pain. I'm sure I dropped the ball with her plenty of times over the years by not giving her what she needed. Although I've been with her every step of the way through setting her baths up when I was a little girl and fetching her things when she couldn't walk to being at every single surgery over 42 years. I grew up understanding more about pain than most kids. Now, I come to a whole new understanding as I walk in pain's shoes also. My mom never once asked for emotional help from me. She sucked up everything and I didn't know how. There are 2 different examples.

I'm forced to think of the late incredible actor Chadwick Bowsman who lost his battle with colon cancer at such a young age. He was publically silent about his struggles and battles. Heroic? I think so.

Jim, I got on a roll, sorry. Back to why I think you have more pain when sitting....2 things: 1. I believe, for me, that sitting places direct pressure on the nerves and 2. once sitting, the body refocuses, the movement and activity and distraction stops. The brain slows down and feels more. I'm no dr. that's for sure!

I know you are feeling anxiety over your upcoming surgery and I want you to know I will be rooting for you in a BIG way buddy! I hope so much that it will bring you well deserved relief. ❤ We, here on Connect, got your back Jim!!

My best,
Rachel

HI JIM. I'm new to this reading your post I wonder if the recliner isn't part of the problem. I've read that recliners puts a lot of weight on your lumbar spine. As comfortable as they seem they may not be the best thing for our backs. Especially if your pain is less when you are standing that seems like an indication that sitting in the recliner is not good. My husband sits in his recliner so many hours of the day and evening and he has low back pain but he claims he's had it for years before. He is into his family genealogy and works on it on the computer many hours a day. He also reads a lot sitting in the recliner. He used to be very active with projects and home improvement but he has lost all interest and doesn't walk much either. I can't complain because I have neuropathy and weakness in my legs and I sit a lot too but not in a recliner. You might try physical therapy. I think getting outdoors and working in your garden is very good for you physically and mentally as long as you don't overdo. As far as sleeping is concerned you may have already tried this but I sleep on my side with a pillow between my legs (this is recommended by doctors and physical therapists). If I lay on my back I have to have a pillow under my knees which are bent. Your pain must be really significant if you are taking morphine to sleep. I truly hope the surgery helps. I want to suggest that you find a mental health professional to talk to. I understand depression quite well and the feeling of isolation that comes with this kind of illness. My husband suffers from terrible migraines and is knocked out sometimes for days and although I am used to being alone it can get to me sometimes. I often come to the point of thinking of ending my life but I talk to myself (not aloud) about what I will miss out on and how I will probably feel better the next day. I get through it.
I recommend a book by David Burns Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Years ago I was seriously depressed and my doctor recommended this book. I read it and I learned some things that helped but I did not do the exercises. Then one day I was really down and I decided to do the exercises. It really helped a lot! It can't hurt. You can get a used copy for $6 on Bookfinder.com.
Good luck with the surgery.

My prayers are with you and a successful surgery