@lah, you have had and still have a lot going on. I understand your whirlwind feeling better now. Lack of sleep really affects everything.

When my father had end-stage colon cancer, he, too, said some similar comments to me. When he first told me he didn't want my help, he was quite cruel about it. It hurt, a lot. I was grateful for a later conversation when he was hurting less himself (possibly both physically and mentally), he took more time to explain that my type of help wasn't helpful and why. He didn't want information. He didn't want to know about potential side effects. He didn't want to be a patient. These are the things I clung to: research, information and prevention of unwanted side effects. For him, he knew he had limited time and he wanted to spend it living, not hearing about what might happen. He'd deal with it as it came. Writing this I see his point of view so much more clearly. But at the time I felt helpless and hurt that I couldn't do more. After he shared with me, I turned my focus of help to my mom. I supported her while she enjoyed life with him as much as was possible. This gave her an outlet to talk about her fears and ask for information as she needed it even if he didn't. This arrangement worked well for us. They spent some of the most meaningful moments of their marriage in those final months. For that I'm grateful.

Lah, I'm not sure if my story helps. I wonder if your husband would like to be more partners and less patient and caregiver. His charade of everything is okay with others might be the one thing he feels he can control. His reaching out to hold your hand says volumes. If you're like me, you want to fill the silences with questions "How are you?" "Can I get you anything?" "Do you feet hurt?" etc. Perhaps he just wants you to be with him. Don't be afraid to talk about all manner of things besides the disease. Talk about things that bring you both joy. What do you think?

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