The first person who helped me was a priest who said this after the death of my son taken by cancer, "Donna, you will never have to hurt this bad again." Since then, I have had a psychiatrist, I now have a psychologist and I am in a therapy group. I forget that I need to start any conversation that I mention these losses with this information. I rarely can safely be my true self because most all react and more times than not with the same, "Have you seen a therapist?" I do everything, everything, everything. I would be dead by now if I didn't believe that I would some day be on the other side and that I would make it. I do not intend to die at the hand of another. Husband #2 who also died of cancer 1 year after the first son to die said to me, "Donna this is my cancer." when he knew I was always distressed. I have a friend I watched before me bury 2 sons, before beginning my journey I have witnessed others close to me go through similar. It is true that I could barely breathe, I didn't sleep well for a long time and still don't sleep long periods at once, my friend didn't converse rationally. My nephew was only 16 when his cousin died and then his uncle and it influenced him for the rest of his life unbeknownst to his parents or anyone else. He is now finishing his residency in oncology. I thank for your concern. I am mindful before I mention my history. I notice when there are those people wanting to stay away. I had a lot of close people thankfully who have not bolted and I could call on maybe 3 of them for anything at all. I do still have 1 child and 3 grandchildren whom I love dearly. I knew I had one more marriage in me / I spent 17 years in the first one and 20 years with the 2nd husband so after #2 died, 5 years later I remarried. Aloneness is not my style and my current husband knew what he was getting into. When people have no baggage it just means they haven't been anywhere. Someone gave me that little gem. I have it ready to go in my arsenal of remarks. I have a lot of baggage that is true but it comes with a lot of love to give. I am not dead yet.