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Member Neuropathy Journey Stories: What's Yours?
Neuropathy | Last Active: Oct 17 5:52am | Replies (571)Comment receiving replies
Tears. I feel the emotions, but I didn't shed any tears from the time, at around age 8?, when Dad said to me, "Big boys don't cry.", until I was 55, and self-admitted in a safe house after several suicide attempts. I don't know what triggered the tears, but once they started, I couldn't stop.
I'm kind of back to the "bbdc" mentality, and sometimes I envy the ability some people have to speak the language of tears. It's a foreign language for me. At times, a few of them flow during intense therapy sessions, and I do experience the emotions behind the tears.
Safety. Another big deal for me. I feel safe in this Connect group, to say things I probably wouldn't say in a face to face group setting. I cringe sometimes, after writing for the hundredth time about how much my feet hurt, when many in the group would be thrilled if that was the extent of their pain. In real life, I avoid saying anything about my level of pain. I think of the boy who cried wolf.
Pain isn't limited to what our bodies are telling us. Mental, emotional pain - depression and all of its siblings - is every bit as real, every bit as debilitating as neuropathy, migraines, bursitis, strokes...the list goes on. I think that there are a lot of us here who have pain at multiple levels. For men, the old "bbdc" mindset carries over to our false thinking about being stoical about the different types of pain. We buy into the hyper self sufficiency, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, get over it, wear whatever mask the situation calls for. Don't be vulnerable. Keep those secrets.
This isn't a sermon. It's how I survived for decades, until it didn't work anymore. Guilt and shame and fear, feeling like a fraud. It can become more of a load than we can carry. Too many rocks in my backpack. I reached a breaking point, a realization that either I opened up and talked to someone or I couldn't go on living. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, a too-full backpack pushed me over the edge.
It was a very dark place and time for several years, but by God's grace and with the help of some really good therapists, I found my way back to a better place. Then I discovered the joy of pn. But that's another chapter for another late night's ramble. Finding Mayo Connect made the next chapter a lot less lonely for me. I don't know if you all realize what a vital role you play in making survival possible, giving a sense of hope, and being listener/cheerleader to someone who might be ready to chuck it. This is community.
Love you all.
Jim
Replies to "@lorirenee1 @jesfactsmon Tears. I feel the emotions, but I didn't shed any tears from the time,..."
@jimhd, You are one of the first for me to meet who also knows the pain of not being able to shed tears appropriately. I've questioned for years what stopped mine and the only thing I can come up with is that my mom was an "easy crier". She had good reason because of my older sister's frighteningly severe chronic illness. Did I suppose from age 10 and my sister's devastating diagnosis that not crying made me a "strength" for the family? I'll never know.
So agree with your last three sentences! I haven't had your experience but finding and participating in Mayo Connect has made a wonderful difference in my life as well. Hope all are staying safe and well.
@jimhd , You are as brave a man as I will ever come to know as I am just beginning to really know the man behind the veil. Continue to lift the veil and share in the grace of this community and Thank You for sharing your story Jim. best, David
Hello Jim. I read your and the other's similar stories recently and my spirit within me weeps. I lift you all up in prayer asking God to heal the wounds within your souls: Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds"
Many of us have similar stories including abuse. The only real healing and comfort that I find, is in my intimate relationship w/ our living God through reading the bible to learn Who He is; personality, perspective, character, plan for us and this very temporary life in light of all eternity, about eternity and especially about His unconditional, boundless, free, scarificial, vast, unmeasured, unmerited etc. love for us. I find music to be a solace also.
I pray for all of us here on Connect who suffer in any and every way, the comfort and peace of God: "And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7
Keep fighting the fight, don't give up. I KNOW how often my human self wants to escape it all as I'm fighting for my sanity crossing the threshold of human pain endurance so it is by this only, that I can have any victory: by the strength and grace of God go I.
I care very deeply about everyone's well-being. I wish and pray for zero pain and complete healing when/if possible. Sunnyflower
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@jimhd I know what you mean about emotional pain Jim. I had most of the worst of mine from about 9 years old until I was about 35 (just did not feel like I fit into the world). My suicidal thoughts happened mostly during high school and college, with the crescendo being when I was about 23, had graduated and was working for the Chicago Transit Authority living alone in an apt. in Chicago. I was steeped in depression, tried to sleep as long as possible, often like almost 14 hours a day. Yup, my pain came early. I had a God epiphany one day and it melted me into submission and sheer joy (I didn't believe in him before that). That was the start of my healing.
My dad was a very loving person in his own way but did have the bbdc syndrome and passed it on too me and my brothers. A lot of guys our age were raised that way as it is how men were told to be back then. Thank god that has changed. I feel for you Big Jim, I definitely understand THAT type of pain. I am so glad you came through your darkness and are in a better place. Best, Hank