I was fit, a taut 160 lbs, exercised daily, no smoking or drugs, no alcohol and was diagnosed with Stage IV heart failure in April of 2019. I was told I needed emergency valve surgery to keep me alive and a likely heart transplant in subsequent years. The valve surgery provided a temporary bump in health, followed by a six month decline and a referral to the Mayo Heart Transplant team in Phoenix in November of 2019. I made the list and received my new heart on December 30, 2019. So I have had my share of surprise diagnoses, severe surgeries, and dark nights, I remember when "they" told me I had a failed heart and needed surgery to stay alive. I turned to my wife with a tear in my eye and said, "This was not part of the f'n plan!" She, who never swears, grabbed my hand and calmly said, "Then we change the f'n plan." That said, I side with a previous respondent who experienced no depression but a sense of awe. I was raised in a household where complaining was not allowed. Problems were confronted with a plan and you were expected to take action. I chose to replace any negative emotion with a positive. Grief became gratitude. Anger became action.

I admit that not being able to sleep under the graces of prednisone gave me pause in the depths of the night. I often asked "Why", but I never asked "Why me?" That begged of self-pity and my parents would have come back to haunt me. I could hear my Dad saying, "So your heart failed, what are you going to do about it?"

I found that my music helped immensely. I got the Led out -- Led Zeppelin for the uninitiated. I sampled favorite motivational songs: Life is a Highway (Tom Cochrane), Eye of the Tiger (Katy Perry) I know, I know; Led Zeppelin and Katy Perry??? And yet I always came back to Invictus and the closing stanza of that great poem.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul.

Best always,
s!
Scott Jensen

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