@becsbuddy, Where to begin? I thought I was burnt 2 a crisp back in February....how to describe what happens when later...and later...not only are the toasting flames left on - they're turned up.
As of this writing Hubby still alive but can't be much longer. It's taking him a hideous time to die.
The VA decided that they're duty-bound to obey my husband's Advance Directive...sort of.
Except for the part where I get to ask questions. And the part defining the circumstances under which artificial life sustaining measures should be abstained from. (maybe)
Directive states that artificial means shall not be utilized to sustain life 'if my dr. and two others agree that I will die (anyway) in the next six months '
VA decided that hubby is toast no matter what...based on undisclosed criteria. Who is his dr.? Who are the two concurring dr.s? Based on what medical evidence was this conclusion reached?
If they know something I don't I wish they'd fill me in.
It's remarkable that a man two weeks short of his 74th birthday is still clinging to life after over two weeks of zero medications of any kind, no IV fluids/nutrition and little to no oral intake of fluids/nutrition. Until yesterday his blood gases were excellent on room air only, vital signs very good and steady. This implies that despite all assertions to the contrary he wasn't deathbed ill upon admission. So much for my former pride in his excellent physical condition which appears to be acting to his detriment now.
He's getting a steady supply of morphine for pain and atavin(?) for anxiety. Explanations of what is causing pain have evolved as things wear on. From 'we don't know' to the more recent and sensible description of what happens to the body in prolonged inactivity and organs begin shutting down. I suspect that the morphine also guards against oral intake as one can't feed or water a semi-conscious person. The anxiety med is easy enough to account for. Also he kept trying to get out of bed at least the first week. Likely made it a time or two. Lacking any info on the original source of pain leaves my imagination free to form it's own theories. Not being a neurologist I'll leave that speculation out.
It's a the undisclosed information that has been eating me up. As if hubby has been the prize in a shell game throughout this drama.
Providers moving him from place to place sans notification to me, end of life decisions made without consulting or informing me. One person says 'legs twitching', another interprets this movement as 'near miss - almost got out of bed again.' The nurse most in charge of his care paints the blackest picture...as the days pass into weeks I descend into an unhealthy speculation regarding what this may mean.
Concealment of the initial Covid test/results and subsequent refusal to supply proof that this occurred may have been the worst. I talked a VA rep into asking the first facility for actual copy of test return and they wouldn't do that either.
Also problematic is the making of ridiculous statements doubtless intended to comfort me. 'Don't worry. Someone is sitting with him all the time.' Come on! In a Covid Unit? I find such comfort to be offensive as hell. I want to talk mechanics, they respond with smarmy 'If only you could be with him' gab. If they're really concerned about my emotional well-being they need to cut out the cloak'n'dagger b.s.
The 4:00am 'death is near!' call that has been repeated six times since the 16th. Most recently yesterday morning. This time the call made sense for the first time: respiration labored, heart rate accelerated.
For 37 years hubby tried to make me promise to shoot him before allowing him to land in a nursing home or Worst of Worst - a protracted stay in a hospital death bed. Perhaps this Covid epidemic provides the sole lawful way out for him. But what a way to go-pity it's dragging out like this.
His last words to me were 'get me out of here!' when nurse held phone near him on the 19th.

I have calmed down quite a bit. For a while I was experiencing what must have been anxiety attacks. I wouldn't know as my usual excitability/personality characteristics have always been so slow as to be nearly in reverse. I think I'll settle down more once hubby is settled.