Hi, @januaryjane – I can see that you have been through a lot and are trying to work through past hurts and find a way forward to relate to your parents while you are living in their home.
Sounds like you are standing up for yourself when necessary, but keeping quiet when you can tolerate what you see going on.
One of the things you mentioned doing is to let go of the relationship you've always wanted with your dad. I have had to do that, too, with certain relatives: basically just allow myself to grieve that I don't have the relationship I really wanted with them. I have found it freeing to acknowledge it as a real loss that I'm free to mourn.