Just had back a bumpy trip with parents, got a nasty virus and then had discussion with my dr about my continual problem and maybe needing surgery.
Im in no mood.
Actually, i feel so defeated when it comes to my father. He is extremely selfish, doesnt put any effort into our relationship, and just expects me to talk when he wants to talk, which is usually never, but hes had time off work lately.
It just brings back bad memories, and not feeling important enough. I dunno if i had the chance to have kids, id want to know them. But i guess i havent learned to stop wanting from a Narcissist. Hes my dad though, i guess ill always want that relationship. Just makes me mad, turn away.
Its worse that i live in the same house, believe me, id take another option if i could.
It still surprises me how small i feel here, like im still a kid. Im working hard on boundaries and reactions. I am a great person and responsible adult, but my role has remained the same in their eyes. Do Not Speak. I am not validated as they say but i drop things, a protest will be meaningless, and im tired and already hate my life.
Im learning to communicate enough to get point across, if need be, and walk away. In an abusive family like mine, took me too long to learn, ill never win.
So, the plan was to focus on me, my health, my sanity, my life. Some days are so much harder.
I think my birthday is triggering it, the possible surgery. I want my dad to care, to show something.
No support. Only worried about him.
I feel worthless when i shouldnt. And thats normal, in my situation. But it is an add on to add ons. Something i have to work at everyday. Watch my self esteem shatter, then build myself up again.
In the end I really have no one to depend on but me. Advocating for yourself is hard but worth it. And it seems like a never-ending feat to find good support.