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Just had back a bumpy trip with parents, got a nasty virus and then had discussion with my dr about my continual problem and maybe needing surgery.

Im in no mood.

Actually, i feel so defeated when it comes to my father. He is extremely selfish, doesnt put any effort into our relationship, and just expects me to talk when he wants to talk, which is usually never, but hes had time off work lately.
It just brings back bad memories, and not feeling important enough. I dunno if i had the chance to have kids, id want to know them. But i guess i havent learned to stop wanting from a Narcissist. Hes my dad though, i guess ill always want that relationship. Just makes me mad, turn away.

Its worse that i live in the same house, believe me, id take another option if i could.

It still surprises me how small i feel here, like im still a kid. Im working hard on boundaries and reactions. I am a great person and responsible adult, but my role has remained the same in their eyes. Do Not Speak. I am not validated as they say but i drop things, a protest will be meaningless, and im tired and already hate my life.
Im learning to communicate enough to get point across, if need be, and walk away. In an abusive family like mine, took me too long to learn, ill never win.

So, the plan was to focus on me, my health, my sanity, my life. Some days are so much harder.
I think my birthday is triggering it, the possible surgery. I want my dad to care, to show something.
No support. Only worried about him.
I feel worthless when i shouldnt. And thats normal, in my situation. But it is an add on to add ons. Something i have to work at everyday. Watch my self esteem shatter, then build myself up again.

In the end I really have no one to depend on but me. Advocating for yourself is hard but worth it. And it seems like a never-ending feat to find good support.

Im here, in the trenches with you.

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Replies to "Just had back a bumpy trip with parents, got a nasty virus and then had discussion..."

Hi @januaryjane, I moved your message to the previous discussion you started about your family and caring for yourself. I did this so members can read more of your story and understand the background. You're so right to recognize that ultimately you have to focus on you and your health. You're one person you can depend on. Happy birthday too. When is your surgery?

First off nobody deserves to be hurt especially by family parents that can't be there it's like they never grow up with love from your grandparents that maybe, the case with your father. Nobody can put or make you feel sad without your saying so . It's very hard having to live with people especially family when there's no communication between son and father daughter and father or mothers , yet you can learn to sit down and say how you feel maybe do reverse roles might help get some history about your father's family how he was as a boy than sit down you put your points across in his shoes as it were and he looks at what your life has fell like from feeling as if you don't have a voice in your precious home where you need to feel safe, that is First place you grow up with love and kindness, but we know all too much it's not the case , your suffering from illness is tell tell sign you need to be listened to, you need someone who maybe understands your life that could be a sounding board , i know it's not everyone s place to go but I've found praying and meditation on reading the bible helps to keep calm if only for you especially as you sound like you are a kind loving person love doesn't keep account of past hurts letting go will help you too . Hope this makes senses . Wish you well , I kinda understand , iam a grandmother like you say if you have children you would do different , you would be there for them because you know how much they would need you and your precious love. (had to show love to my family to receive it yet haing said that it all takes time for them that never grow up with love to learn how to express it ) You get back twice as much as you give out . Kind regards swift hug from England