What a lovely sharing of your thoughts and feelings. Thank you.

Honestly, I don't think that there is going to be a time that I will function like I used to. There has just been too much and now I am 70. In 2007, my 32 yr old son died from cancer, in 2008 my 2nd husband of 20 yrs died from cancer, in 2009 my father died, in 2010 - my youngest child returned back to the fold after having been missing for 12 years/ age 31 severely impaired since he had been living on the street. His father, Husband #1 of 17 yrs took care of him and helped him get back on his feet as best he could. They lived together. They both died 2 days apart in 2018, my mother also died just 2 months later. Between all that, in 2016, my home burned entirely which was horrible but NOTHING hurts like the death of a child. Stuff can be replaced. I married Husband #3, moved away to his state 6 yrs after the death of Husband #2 since my oldest child was well grown with a family and this 3rd marriage has been a blessing with a huge curse of an undiscovered addiction. He is now in recovery for that. I am left with severe grief and loss and symptoms of PTSD, I've had some therapy but I don't really find it is helpful at all. Who gets it? The therapists don't. loss of a child is like none other, then add another and husband and parents + home and all belongings? The best help I have is when I am with people who are similarly situated and who know me. I have 2 very close women friends, one has lost both of her children and since the death of my 2 sons, my other friends daughter committed suicide. It is very difficult to find a new path without the avenues where I gave so much of my love. I didn't think I could go on living after the death of that first child "J", the kindest child of mine. I made the only decision I could which I still make every day - to just not die. I've been living with this for 16 yrs. I'd like to say it has it is getting better? Some parts are a bit more manageable because of acceptance of what I cannot change. The pain of grief shifts around and changes form. At least I am no longer falling apart. I had a run of breakdowns, fractures, pseudo-illnesses and all sorts of anxiety related issues that doctors recognized as grief related. They are very smart and I am very thankful for that. I'd like to find a grief support group where I live now in NYC but I have not been able to find one with in-person living breathing people. I've not found zoom too great for me. I'll just keep hanging on to God and to the hope that there is One. I DO have a new life even if it is still not a fitting one. I am blessed differently.