My husband, and 45 year old friend, has COPD and after 4 months of marriage said ‘its looks like I will have to take care of you, instead of you taking care of me’, and he left within 36 hours. Tell me my marriage is over on Saturday morning my Sunday he was moving out and left and never seen since. And with these disorders stress is our enemy. So climbing up out of something like that is emotionally devastating along with the life changing on us as we knew it.

Yes, it is @birdierobin. I try to remain focused on finding positive that has come with my conditions and have done so. However, the honest answer is one that I will never truly accept or be happy about. How can I, when it has greatly impacted my ability to be among the productive, functioning population. Eyes, chronic migraine, progressive SFPN...yup, here I go again feeling sorry for myself. Damn straight. Let me get this off my chest (sorry Robin that you are the recipient).

I had deep concern over traveling 1 hour 40 minutes in the car to my daughter's college for a (basketball) game. I don't travel well and it has progressively worsened. I understand that any joy or involvement comes with a price to pay.. I prepare for the offset of my journey...pain, discomfort, misery yet still trudge on.

I prepare not only mentally but physically for each part of my body, each situation that will occur. I travel with pain killers, mid-day supplements, nausea meds, migraine abortive packets, heat, ice, eye shields to black out light, ear plugs to defy noise, pillows for lower lumbar, pillow for under my butt to ease the pressure from all seats, baseball hat and sunglasses for light diffusion, loose foot wear and pants, layered clothing for temperature regulation.

Traveling is not conducive to any part of me but, I need to be among the living, yes? I can not sit in my bubble wrapped cocoon the rest of my life. I can not miss my daughter's college events. I can not send my husband off without me as even when I am with him, I'm barely present and a shell of what I used to be. None of this of course being fair to my husband of almost 30 years. Empty nesters and I have nothing to offer, nothing to give. It's an incredibly sad situation and reality for me, for us. Difficult when you bare the burden of knowing how severely you've changed someone else's life.

As I continue to work on mindfulness, I am aimlessly tested. I've come to recognize that my life, for the past 6 years, comes with strings attached. I have slowly declined since age 43 when first diagnosed with corneal disease and have needed to learn new ways of living to succeed and be present. Migraines and neuropathy have completely sealed the deal.

I'm a fighter and always will be but, if this ain't some exhausting shit...I don't know what is. I'm trying to come to terms with the rules of this game. I know basketball so, will break it down like this...

There is an offense and a defense. Wnning shouldn't be everything but, let's face it, it's a pretty huge part. There are time outs and quarters or halves. There is a coaching staff, players and fans. There are teammates and a game plan.

When life slam dunks you...you lean on your teammates, your coaches. You hope the athletic trainers will solve your physical set backs and get you back in the game. You get inspired by the fans in the stands supporting and cheering you on. You just want to win the game for them, for yourself...but, then you face the harsh reality of a loss. Parents of players (including myself) pick their kids up mentally and convey...winning isn't everything, there's always next game. 💪🏼

Here is a good place to end this self pity party...by thanking you all for being my
teammates and allowing me to lean on you. Never did I know such a team existed until I lost the game.

Be well today. I'm going to give it my best try.
Rachel