I guess a lot of us are where you are or have at least been there. Here is a reply I received from Dr. Eben Alexander. He is famous for his near death experience and his highly accomplished medical career...Hope it helps.

Dear Barry,

Dr. Eben Alexander asked me to send you his personal note below. In addition, we have some information from people who have had NDEs after a list of resource numbers at this page on his website:
http://ebenalexander.com/resources/faq/#toggle-id-5
Blessings,
Elizabeth Hare
Assistant to Dr. Eben Alexander
--------------

September 1, 2019
Dear Barry,

I’m sorry to hear of your pain and suffering. I’ve come to realize that as a general principle, suicide is to be avoided. The one exception is with unbelievable pain and suffering — if there are no medical or psychological interventions to treat severe pain and suffering, that is unremitting over months/years, one can act on humanitarian grounds to facilitate euthanasia. I cannot tell you how strongly I would still argue against suicide, because I have seen many patients in pain from various conditions who later had some resolution of their pain, even though they spent weeks or months thinking they would be stuck with unremitting pain for the rest of their lives. But from my experience there is no “punishment" that one would ever encounter for suicide in that setting.

Have you tried sacred acoustics tones/meditation to alleviate pain? I would urge you to give that a try. I have seen people accomplish some pretty amazing things with these tones, including getting rid of such unbearable pain. Go to sacredacoustics.com to learn more and obtain some tools.

Your well-being is in my thoughts and prayers.

Best,

Eben

@resawaller I understand what you're feeling, as I've been in the same place. I'm a retired pastor, ordained with a conservative denomination. I've counselled people affected by suicide, and I went through a very dark depression for 7 years, and still am being treated for depression and other things. During the darkest time I attempted suicide several times. I'm grateful to have that level of suicidality behind me, but I have to acknowledge that it's not far beneath the surface of my thoughts.

Years ago I thought that believers should be able to have victory over mental health issues. While I still believe that, life has taught me that it isn't the same for everyone. Many people suffer far more than I will ever experience. How do they keep going? A good question that each person has to answer in their own way.

I know that many well intentioned people think that because suicide would be your final act in this life, it's a sin (murder) and it can't be forgiven because there's no opportunity to repent. And since sin cannot enter heaven, suicide, which those people would call murder, which is a sin against the ten commandments, prevents one from entering heaven.

I'm extremely grateful that God is a merciful God, certainly more merciful than we humans. Therefore, I believe that if we are truly followers of Christ, as Paul wrote in a letter to the Galatian church, nothing can separate us from the love of God. (Or maybe it's Romans.)

If we were to follow it through, if a person who commits the sin of suicide, none of us would qualify for entrance to heaven, because every one of us has committed some sort of sin. And if any sin disqualifies us, we are guilty of limiting God's unlimited grace.

Sorry this is becoming my sermon notes, but it's hard to answer your question with one or two words. I hope that what I've said will at least put to rest the fear of being shunned by God.

I'm certainly not advocating suicide. Don't misunderstand me. It's seldom the right solution to our pain, but I strongly disagree with the notion that it's an automatic ticket to hell.

Do you know who Rick Warren is? He's the pastor of a large church whose son committed suicide a couple of years ago. You might see if you can find what he and his wife, Kay, have to say about this.

In the meantime, I pray and believe that you will be able to allow yourself some time to consider all of this. Maybe you will do what I've been doing for the past 17 years - start by saying I'll be safe for one more day. As time goes by, I think that you'll be able to move that goal a little farther off. Right now, I'm able to commit to staying alive until Thanksgiving, when I get to see my brand new granddaughter. Don't worry about how big or small your projected goal is. It might be one hour right now, and that's ok. I believe it will get better.

Jim