@jmb73 Thanks, Joan. I am doing very well and I am pain free from the spine issues. I still have thoracic outlet syndrome that takes a long time to work through with myofascial release, but I am making progress. I was afraid of surgery too and woke up every day and thought about it and panicked. After 4 months of doing that, I asked myself WHY I was doing this to myself, and I began a conversation with myself to figure out why and deprogram my fears. The stakes were pretty high. I had to chose if I wanted to save the coordination of my arms and avoid being disabled in other ways too, and doing that meant I had to face the biggest fears I had. This was my choice to make and I decided not to let my fears make that choice for me. It can be done, and the root of our terrible fears is found somewhere in our past experiences and how we coped with it, or not, by leaving it unresolved in the past and learning to avoid it.

I think you are brave for having had gamma surgery for a brain tumor. As a patient, just hearing a doctor say that about you would cause alarm. I think when we are tested, we can find strength and a way to get through it, and we have to believe in our ability to do that. It is very empowering as a patient, and if you are really tuned in and paying attention, you can figure things out and find clues that have been missed. That is true in my case. 5 spine surgeons missed understanding why I had my pain symptoms everywhere and could not connect it to the spine imaging and because they didn't understand and didn't dig deeper, all refused to help me. I had to advocate for myself even when I was really afraid of spine surgery, and I found the medical literature that described "rare" cases like mine. I sent that with a letter to the surgeon at Mayo, and he helped me. All of this changed my life profoundly, not just because I had a great surgical outcome, but also because I defeated my fears. So does that mean I'm fearless now? Of course not! I just recognize the patterns sooner when it sneaks up on me from behind. The fear is lurking in the background when you are not paying attention to it and it's a very normal and human emotion. Doctors have the same fears when they or family members are patients, and maybe even worse because they see a lot of serious medical problems. It helps me to know that I'm not alone, and that a compassionate doctor does understand what I'm going through.

Ask questions. Think into the future and ask how any issues you have right now can change for the worse, and if that would be a permanent undesirable change. Sometimes prevention or an early intervention is best, and life is a series of choices that affect the outcome of what happens and what future choices there will be. What can you do now to improve your health? You might ask what can be done to raise your immune function, and if there is an infection, disease or toxic exposure that is harming your immune system. That is a consideration for any surgery, and before mine, the surgeon had me do a preventative treatment for staff infections by using topical antibiotic ointment in my nose. I have a great physical therapist who taught me a lot, and I also have a biology background so I understand a lot of medical literature. I spent a couple years reading spine research and watching online presentations by spine surgeons. Another question you might ask would be how can you improve your skin? What comes to my mind would be to inquire about bio-identical female hormone replacement. I see a functional medicine specialist who does that for me. As we age our skin gets thinner and less supple, so that could help the cracks. If those could be improved, it can help if you do need surgery in the future. I can tell you that my fear of spine surgery was much worse than the surgery itself. I feared pain really, and I was able to manage after my surgery without pain drugs. I just rested and was patient and it was tolerable. I didn't place expectations on myself or judge my experience against other patients. I am doing great, and I'm ready to start giving talks about this and teaching people how to look at things differently so they can overcome their fears too. It means a lot to me to share what I have learned with other patients and that is why I am here on Connect. Sometimes it takes some professional help, but the core is what we do for ourselves and finding a different path through the problems and a different way to see it. Happy new year to you too!