Im alright for the few minutes I am concentrating on something, Netflix show, esp. Doing everything else I think of Kirstin. I get up go into the bathroom and get that “alone forever” feeling. I get dressed, usually wear a tshirt of hers. I hug it, and tell her I love her and miss her and try to start my morning. Then I wonder where she is, if shes ok; if she could only give me a hint shes fine and is with her family ( my Mom and Dad, her cousins, etc, etc)) Am I making myself nuts?
I think constantly about the 10 days I was with her and left for home a day ( 10 hours) before she left us. Why didnt I SEE ! She told me of a few aches and feelings she was experiencing but blamed them on *a charley horse, asthma, heart burn. All these symptoms were telling of reactions to that horrid Tamoxifen. Her doctor only saw her twice to check on her. ( first in June and August). She had to cancel an appt. in Dec. cause they were going to Disney. The docs office never did call her for a follow up up or give her another appt. when she canceled in Dec.
That blood clot started in her leg ( Charley horse), it went to her lung ( hard to breathe; she had mild asthma but it did bother her a bit more that week.) She just thought she needed a new inhaler. Her chest later felt heavy and she said shed forgotten to take her heartburn meds so again she attributed that to it. What I noticed as soon as I first saw her was her weight gain......her legs looked swollen but she just said she gained alot of weight from the Tamoxifen. I SHOULD HAVE SAID OR DONE “SOMETHING”!!! Her husband should have noticed it. “Oh, I would never say anything to her about her weight”.... WHAT THE HELL! He should have been watching her more carefully, caring more about her Doc appts., etc.
I am losing my mind. You say there is something online that I could connect with?
My husband doesnt say much but cant look at her picture either nor can he read anything about Kirs. We are grieving differently. Hes always asking me ‘if Im ok’? That angers me because he should know the answer is HELL NO, I AM NOT OK.
I talk to Kirstin every day.... for advice, I ask her to let me know shes ok by doing something! Crazy, uh? I ask her to get into Dads ( and Chad, her hubby) mind and help them.
Theres alot more but I wont go there at this time.
Bless you for “listening”.
I do believe in God, and I have to believe in Heaven, so I can pray Kirs is there. So many religions believe differently.
Thank you.