I first want to commend you on being able to put into words how you are feeling. I know it must have been difficult to lay these feelings out in a post, but you did so very well! Your grief is real and I can tell the hurt is real as well. I am so glad that @gingerw invited me to this conversation as I understand grief well.
While you do not mention your age, nor your sister's age, I would encourage you, as @gingerw said to write a few letters to her. From this first post I know that you write about your feelings well, so why not write to your sister? I would encourage you to get out some family pictures, if you have them available, and write about the way you remember growing up with her and the rest of your family. Were you and your sister close? Then write about those times. Did you experience sibling rivalry? Then write about those times and feelings. Write to your sister about how it was growing up in your family.
Then I would encourage you to take these letters and share them as you are comfortable doing so, with a close friend, a psychologist or a support group. The more you tell your grief story, the better it will be for you.
It appears that there is another problem you are having difficulty with and that is with addiction. At Connect we also have a discussion on Addiction. Here is the link, https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/addiction-recovery/. I would encourage you to look at some of those discussions and participate in them as well. I would like to invite @zeph317 @savana1 @johnwhitfield @hisgrace6992 @kclynd and @stsopoci to share with you as well. These folks know a lot about recovery from addiction and I'm sure they will support you at this time.
As @gingerw said, if you feel as if you are a danger to yourself please contact a helpline immediately or go to the ER.
Will you post again?
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HI Teresa. um,, wow.. um,, in the last 12 hours.. I have taken a painful but needed journey. I had been reaching out for a long time. .. got a lot of doors slammed in my face and a lot of walls and just not the right 'groups' on the computer. I knew there was SOMEONE in y FB friends that was 'the one' but it only was 'shown' to me last night… All this time.. always the wrong person… but .. It was just shown to me… I contacted her. we talked till after 1:00 AM. … She is 19 years clean. long story short… I have decided to go to NA…. sometime…I have to travel 1.5 hours away… But , I know I need this. I have been really trying with myself .. especially after picking a new phsyc. dr. ..my thoughts now are : IF I hand picked this Dr, and expect HER to help me and trust me,,, I better start trying harder…
To answer your questions, I am 55, my sister would have been 63. She was my rock.. she was the only person that understood me. She was always looking out for me and we had wonderful adventures together all around the US. She left for the military when I was in 4th grade.. but we always remained close.
The person I talked to last night is also going to be my sponsor.. .. sooooooooo with that.. and I start intensive DBT training next week… maybe I"ll be ok………………………but at this time.. I cannot trust myself with the next 24,,, 72 hours…Always waiting to be 'set off'…
Thank you both ( Teresa and Ginger) for responding back to me .. it means a lot…. … It was a reach out that wasn't a wall… so thank you…