Hello @mcmurf2

I first want to commend you on being able to put into words how you are feeling. I know it must have been difficult to lay these feelings out in a post, but you did so very well! Your grief is real and I can tell the hurt is real as well. I am so glad that @gingerw invited me to this conversation as I understand grief well.

While you do not mention your age, nor your sister's age, I would encourage you, as @gingerw said to write a few letters to her. From this first post I know that you write about your feelings well, so why not write to your sister? I would encourage you to get out some family pictures, if you have them available, and write about the way you remember growing up with her and the rest of your family. Were you and your sister close? Then write about those times. Did you experience sibling rivalry? Then write about those times and feelings. Write to your sister about how it was growing up in your family.

Then I would encourage you to take these letters and share them as you are comfortable doing so, with a close friend, a psychologist or a support group. The more you tell your grief story, the better it will be for you.

It appears that there is another problem you are having difficulty with and that is with addiction. At Connect we also have a discussion on Addiction. Here is the link, https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/addiction-recovery/. I would encourage you to look at some of those discussions and participate in them as well. I would like to invite @zeph317 @savana1 @johnwhitfield @hisgrace6992 @kclynd and @stsopoci to share with you as well. These folks know a lot about recovery from addiction and I'm sure they will support you at this time.

As @gingerw said, if you feel as if you are a danger to yourself please contact a helpline immediately or go to the ER.

Will you post again?