@birdierobin I know what you mean about level 12 pain. My wife had an appointment with the orthopedist today, and what that means is a long day of shopping. Many of our doctors practice in Bend, an hour from home, so when we have an appointment there, it always includes Costco and 3 or 4 thrift stores and a restaurant or 2. Said all that to say that my feet are really burning and painful above my ankles. I put lidocaine cream on my feet, but I'm not sure it's going to help much. When the pain shoots past 10, it's time to turn my focus away from the pain. One way I deal with the pain is to focus on the feelings in my feet aside from the pain. I observe the tingling, which is way better than the pain. It's always interesting when I do that, what amazing power my brain has. We're created with unimaginable abilities, much of which we never access, but it's there whether or not we use it. Skin, our largest organ, has a natural ability to heal. Our eyes are essentially a small part of our brain and it exposes the brain to the environment. And the incredibly complex system of nerves - that's what we talk about a lot here - sometimes we can control them, sometimes they send us to our knees in tears and prayers.

The year I turned 50, my body started its decline. I was finally diagnosed with sleep apnea and started using a CPAP machine. That was a huge deal. Then my gall bladder function dropped to 14% and was removed. I started taking my first antidepressant. 40" of my small intestine stopped working and had to be removed. Then came bleeding ulcers. Then a mega toxic colon, had 80% of large intestine removed. Through all of that, depression and suicidal ideation and anxiety disorder and PTSD were having a heyday. I had to retire at age 55 on SS disability because I couldn't function any longer with the mental illness.

All of this is part of what I have to relive every time I have a new therapist. The first few sessions are telling my story. Telling and retelling the history of abuse and rejection and wanting to die dredges up the hurt of old wounds. So, every once in a while I take a leave of absence from Connect, while I make my way through the gunk. I'm thankful for the patience and understanding that the leaders of this group give me.

I can't help myself. I frequently get started writing and before I know it I've written way more than I intend.

Jim

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