@colleenyoung - In a nutshell, I'm wearing down.

I finally got the authorization to go to an out-of-state expert for the operation that was originally going to be done locally. But after an awful trip (rerouted, delayed, unscheduled overnight stay, and finally a rental car because the plane had to land an hour and a half away from the airport where my car was parked) I learned that the expert is requiring me to first have chemotherapy there before he will do the operation. Thus I would have to relocate for some months, which currently seems financially/logistically impossible for me.

Meanwhile, my tumor has compressed several nerves, one of which has caused a paralyzed vocal cord, so no one can hear me unless there is total silence when I speak, and my appetite is totally destroyed. Of course, sleeping is almost impossible because some other nerve coming from my chest going behind my shoulder blade and up into my neck will not stop hurting for three minutes. And if I do somehow fall asleep there's a 50/50 chance that I will turn the wrong way and the pressure from the tumor will lean on my lung and constrict my breathing so that I wake up in a gasping panic.

Today, after 48 hours of solid do-nothing rest, I am just now semi-recovered enough from the trip to try and contemplate what to do.

On the bright side, I'm still alive and able to write.