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@catmom777- When I feel guilty and angry at myself I can feel my entire body crumble, like I'm poisoning myself. In actuality there are chemicals that start pouring into our bodies that can cause a lot of damage. I don't know that letting go is the right term, but full out acceptance can help get you there. Are you ill, other than your heart that you have put 10 years on your life? I once sent the wrong email to someone that hurt them terribly, a relative. And it was based on an assumption. You can guess at the feelings that I carried for quite a while, even if I was forgiven. And of course that person won't forget it. I was in such shock that I had even written the damn thing that it took me quite a while to accept that I did send the email. I then started to feel better.
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I should have known. He'd been married before a few times and always to women who had teenaged daughters. He had been a HS coach who had to quit. Truth was that he'd been fired because of raping a girl over a long period of time and molesting other girls, but in his town the church, the police, and his friends protected him and threw the victims under the bus so the investigation was quashed and he didn't have a record. But, you are right, I have been poisoning myself out of shame and guilt, and anger too, for too many years. It's time to heal and look to the future instead of live in the past. I'm going for a heart-healthy hike here in a few minutes. Beautiful day. That helps.