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She has come to forgive me over the years. And yes, I'm allowed into my grandchildrens' lives. They live quite a ways from me though, so I hardly ever see them. I have done everything I can to make it up to her. I'm thinking lately that part of my heart issue is literally a broken heart. I've been living with this grief and regret since 2017. At first I self-medicated with wine, but as time went on my body wouldn't tolerate the alcohol so well, and now I can't drink at all. It's now something I live with. It helped when I worked, but I'm not sure I can work anymore either with this heart issue.
I agree that I have to let this go as much as I can. It is hurting me--killing me really. I have maybe ten years left to live, if I'm lucky, and I want those years to be better.
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@catmom777- When I feel guilty and angry at myself I can feel my entire body crumble, like I'm poisoning myself. In actuality there are chemicals that start pouring into our bodies that can cause a lot of damage. I don't know that letting go is the right term, but full out acceptance can help get you there. Are you ill, other than your heart that you have put 10 years on your life? I once sent the wrong email to someone that hurt them terribly, a relative. And it was based on an assumption. You can guess at the feelings that I carried for quite a while, even if I was forgiven. And of course that person won't forget it. I was in such shock that I had even written the damn thing that it took me quite a while to accept that I did send the email. I then started to feel better.