Thank you for your response and for sharing parts of your story and how you have worked towards healing. The narrative of what I remember (which is quite a bit, as the use of sedation was limited, although my mental status was definitely altered at times) is my starting point. When I feel ready, I think my medical records will be helpful in further understanding what I endured and clarifying the discrepancies that have come up in what I've been told and what I remember. While I asked a few questions along the way (such as what medications I was being given and where my central venous catheter for dialysis went within my body), I also was afraid to ask many things because I was afraid of the reality that I was almost certainly going to lose my life. Between how ill I was and my sheer terror, I wasn't very talkative. A lot of things weren't explained to me. For example, the process of dialysis was explained as it happened, but the fact that I was in acute renal failure was never actually stated until I saw my discharge papers. Somehow I never put two and two together! I have a very limited understanding of things like why I experienced paralysis or why they expected my respiratory collapse and obtained consent to intubate me. I remember two of the nurses from the ICU by name, one of whom held my hand while I finally broke down and cried after it was clear that I would survive the ordeal. That gesture meant so much to me. I'd love to talk to them. Perhaps I will look into that. I definitely plan to talk to my friend who visited as well. I took some photos myself as I recovered to try and document the experience for myself, the earliest of which have come to be significant to me. They are concrete proof in a sea of hazy memories and unanswered questions. Thank you again for sharing your experience and your advice - your suggestions are helpful things to think about in my own process of healing.

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