@mamasitalucita

I am blown away by your wisdom and gifted writing skills. Your warm and loving responses to others posting on this thread, as well as to those who haven't posted, leave me feeling loved, accepted, and comfortable in my own body. I have chronic pain, the same back problems you do, diabetes, depression (controlled by Citalopram) and PTSD. Even so, I have led a fantastic life, pressing on thru all my fears, pain, and hypervigilence. I was exhausted at times, so the spoon theory makes so much sense to me.

Now that I'm retired, I sometimes feel like I'm being lazy because I don't work enough around the house. It's taken me about 5 years to really retire and let go of the things I was good at and got paid lots of money to do. Alas, my body forced me to stop working so hard. My back gave out while I was on a consulting assignment in the Denver area, and I was forced to get a wheelchair and fly home. That was my last work. I had a laminectomy within a month of returning home. Thankfully, it relieved a great deal of my pain, and further therapy using Active Release Technique has relieved most of my remaining back pain. My husband and I live with my stepdaughter in her beautiful, huge new home. She has a housekeeper who comes 3 times a week and not only cleans and does laundry, but also does the grocery shopping and cooks on those days she's here. That is wonderful, and I love her housekeeper who has been with her for 26 years.

But, on the 4th of July, my stepdaughter had a huge family and friends gathering which was very nice. I helped get the yard cleaned as much as I could, and made a fresh fruit plate as my contribution to the food, but that's all I could do. During the party, I ended up in my bedroom for a nap. I thought I was just taking a break, but ended up falling asleep. I then made it through til 10 pm, and had to go to bed for the night. My problem is I worry about not being able to help do any of the cleanup after the party. I so want to be useful and not take up too much space in my stepdaughter's home, which she asked us to come and live at no cost to us. My fears of not doing enough to deserve it sometimes get in the way of my just taking care of myself emotionally.

Your thoughts and the feelings you express remind me that I have space in this world and that I only have so many spoons to use each day. Sometimes just getting up, showering and making the bed is as much as I can handle. Even though I have some fun shopping to do for new bedroom furniture, I haven't had the energy to go do it. Decorating is something I love to do, but I don't have the energy most days now. My stepdaughter works so hard and is constantly busy. I worry about her level of activity as it will take a toll one of these days. Next to her I feel particularly "lazy." I need to remember that I was once as active as is she, and that it's OK for me to relax now and not worry about impressing anyone, least of all myself!

I so appreciate your wisdom and beautiful words @mamasitalucita. I think I'm a neuro, but I totally relate to you. We ARE better together. Thank you for listening.

Gail
Volunteer Mentor